The Ranchor is our semesterly, satire edition. Everything that is apart of this section is inaccurate, false, and written with comedic intent. The Anchor is not attempting to make any factual statements with these articles. Enjoy!
*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition* It has been a week since most students walked around campus with exhaustion in their eyes. Some say that they looked like koalas because of severe eye bags due to the lack of sleep as they spent so much time studying for their…
*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition* This past fall with the reopening of campus activities and the return of the Pull and Nykerk in person, new interest has galvanized the even and odd classes of 2024 and 2025 in competition. The even year team ’24 achieved a victorious Pull…
*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition* One of the greatest observed traditions at Hope College is The Pull. Every year students descend up the pits and watch their classmates pull and rip rope. It is a century-old tradition. Our campus is also home to a beautiful community of squirrels….
*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition* Every student at Hope College knows about Cook Dining Hall, and we all appreciate the additional meal options on campus. Since the beginning of this fall semester, there has been a noticeable change in the dining room. All of the small tables have…
*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition* In an effort to secure enough workers to staff the dining hall, Phelps has opted for an unusual strategy: recruiting students who are found breaking COVID-19 policies and other school rules into forced labor. It’s a bold solution and not without risks but,…
A wave of panic has swept through the students of Hope College since the school confirmed on Tuesday that the wastewater testing program is now being used to track marijuana use on campus. Initially used for the sole purpose of tracing the presence of COVID-19, the wastewater testing program that the college put in place…
In light of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, Hope College suspended its annual spring break, leaving students disappointed but understanding that such a decision was necessary in order to — as the Campus Health email so artfully put it — “#stopthespread.” The administration scheduled several Break Days® throughout the semester in order to give students a…
A shocking screenshot has been circulating around campus all week. Junior Immuna Vander Zation captured a Snapchat sent by their roommate, Corrantina Isola. in one of Haworth’s quarantine rooms, captioned “I’ve been stuck in here for THREE DAYS WITHOUT FOOD. No one is answering my phone calls or emails. Help.” Vander Zation posted the screenshot…
Last week, the college announced that students would soon be eligible for COVID-19 vaccinations administered through the school, and that students interested in receiving one would quickly receive their doses. This was widely received as a great opportunity for an accelerated return to normal, something the country and the world as a whole has been…
Throughout this COVID season it has been difficult for clubs, Student Activities Committee and Residential Life to put on events. Masks and social distancing make in-person fun a hard standard to achieve. However, this past March 19th, Dykstra Hall received the green light for a time honored tradition, Fight Night. The Anchor sat down with…