*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition*
It’s no secret that Hope College has adopted what has come to be known as “Ring by Spring” culture. For anyone out of the loop, Ring by Spring is a common phenomenon occurring on Christian college campuses where students are engaged by the spring of their senior year.
Seniors Grace and Levi Van Wylen got engaged during the spring semester of 2021 and married this past summer. Grace Van Wylen is now pregnant with triplets.
“We’ve always wanted kids right out of college,” Grace Van Wylen said. “I guess they came a little early, but we’re so excited.”
“There’s really no reason to wait. I mean, once you know, you know,” Levi Van Wylen said. Everyone at The Ranchor sends well wishes to the happy, soon-to-be-divorced couple.
Usually, these things happen senior year; however, it seems that the average age for engagement is continuously decreasing, to the point where the “October Rule” now refers to being engaged by October of your freshman year.
First-year students Rachel DeVos and Jack Dykhouse have been in a relationship for nine weeks and engaged for three of them.
“Well, I first saw him in the crowd at Playfair,” DeVos said, “and I knew in my heart I had just seen my future husband.”
“It really was love at first sight,” Dykhouse said. “I’m so thankful for Playfair and that I got to meet my wife at something so special. It was such an incredible start to our story. We can’t wait to get married and move to Naperville.”
The couple’s planned wedding dress code consists of white Nike Air Forces 1’s and whatever else you feel like wearing that day. President Matt Scogin will be officiating.
Surveys conducted by the Ranchor show an 85% approval rating of first-year marriage proposals in the class of 2025, but upperclassmen are a bit more hesitant. The class of 2022 only yielded a 12% approval and 2023 a 20%.
“It’s not that we don’t want these kids to be happy, I just don’t think they should be rushing into things like that,” Grace Van Wylen said.
“Right, I mean look at us, for example,” Levi Van Wylen said. “We waited until junior year to get engaged and married, and we waited until our senior year to start our family. We may have been a bit, I don’t know, overzealous, I guess? But getting engaged your freshman year? That’s bold.”
Some single people on campus, like junior Emily Meijer, don’t see the difference between getting engaged freshman year versus junior year.
“Yeah, you’ll grow and change in those two years,” Meijer said, “but at the end of the day, you’re still, what? 21 years old at most? In the grand scheme of things, what’s really the difference between being 19 and 21? And you said they’re having triplets? Oh my god.”
No matter which way you lean, we can all agree to unite under the banner of love on Hope’s campus. Charles Bukowski, who is clearly wise and non-problematic, said, “Love is a dog from hell.” What poetry.