*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition*
Most students on campus know and love Club Durf, the infamous disco dance thrown by Durfee Hall on Halloween weekend and attended mainly by agreeable freshmen in search of a frat party that wouldn’t turn them away for not knowing the difference between a Frater and a Cosmo. However, some long-time Hope residents are sick of the commotion and chaos caused by the annual party.
Professor John B. Nykerk and Edith Walvoord, who died in 1936 and 1978, respectively, are still quite active in the Hope College community, regularly haunting the halls of Voorhees. “These days, Halloween just isn’t the same,” mourned Nykerk. “All the young people dress up in these absolutely ridiculous costumes. Especially the young ladies… they’re just too revealing!”
Walvoord immediately proceeded to slap Nykerk for “thoroughly inappropriate behavior,” but agreed that “Halloween has changed… Our poor invisible hearts just can’t take all the heavy bass. Those early morning hours are supposed to be our time to float around and have fun. Everything is ruined by the horrible pounding and yelling.”
As a result of this disdain for the party atmosphere of the spooky season, the Voorhees ghosts decided to take matters into their own hands. “We planned a midnight garden party in the Voorhees courtyard, a classy little soiree to teach these youngsters a thing or two about class,” Professor Nykerk remarked.
The planned event included an evening ball atmosphere in the outdoor courtyard, despite the on and off rain and the temperatures hovering around freezing. The ghosts did not seem to mind. Although Nykerk and Walvoord meticulously planned the event, they disregarded some small paranormal details, such as having edible appetizers for non-spiritual guests. Luckily, however, there were none of those. “We didn’t want any humans at the party, anyway,” said Professor Nykerk. Multiple students reported seeing Nykerk handing out piles of tea-stained tickets earlier in the day.
The party’s description as a “rave” also appeared misleading, as the party only had Bach’s “Mass in B Minor” on the phonograph. Additionally, the hosts ran into some challenges in coordinating the event.“We attempted to contact SAC to sponsor our lovely event, but it seems they didn’t receive our telegram,” Walvoord added. SAC declined to comment.
The Durfee RA’s did not seem to be phased by the challenge to their annual event, with the basement bouncer quoted as saying, “Voorhees is haunted?” when asked about the paranormal party.
Meanwhile, the Van Vleck ghosts were very appalled by the event and the apparent lack of an invite. “Considering that the event was supposed to be a classy affair, proper invites addressed to the most prominent ghosts on campus would have been the bare minimum,” a Van Vleck ghost quipped, who insisted on remaining anonymous.