The Ranchor

The Ranchor is our semesterly, satire edition. Everything that is apart of this section is inaccurate, false, and written with comedic intent. The Anchor is not attempting to make any factual statements with these articles. Enjoy!

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2025 Commencement Speaker Announced: Taylor Swift is entering her ‘Roll Dutch’ Era! 

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)! With graduation around the corner, campus has been buzzing with predictions on who this year’s commencement speaker will be. Well students, look no further – the Anchor is breaking the exclusive announcement. We are proud to announce that this year’s 2025…

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The newest addition to Hope College’s campus has the campus swimming with excitement…literally! 

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)! This Fall, the campus welcomed the long awaited 4,500 square foot addition to the DeWitt Student Center – the Jim & Eileen Heeringa Dance Wing. Beginning back in the summer of 2023, students witnessed the evolution of the construction hole by…

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Lemurgate: Rockie’s Disappearance 

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)! Beginning late March, sightings of a monkey-like, agile creature have been spotted on campus. Appearing in dorm rooms, Cook’s courtyard, and even in dorm showers, the animal’s presence has puzzled many. According to experts from the Illinois Zoo, the mysterious creature…

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Where Have All the Ducks Gone? 

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)! Glass shattered, furniture disheveled, feathers, feathers everywhere! The ducks, geese, and ganders are gone! It seems that the taxidermied birds on display on the third floor of the Science Center have come alive! But were they ever really dead…