I get it, you’re a busy person, and you don’t have time to workout. But, you still want to make sure that you’re in pretty good shape for your boy or girlfriend. Or maybe you want to get in pretty good shape so that you can get a boy or girlfriend. Perhaps you’re single and ready to be single forever, but still want to be in good shape because it’s, like, healthy or something. I don’t know, I’m not you.
But luckily for you, I also don’t have time, or any desire to go workout at the Dow or some super expensive gym. So, here are some great ideas for keeping that body from growing in size when you don’t have the time to do a formal workout.
Have you ever gone to watch those people who do Crossfit? It’s pretty exhausting to watch them push tires or jump up and down a lot while sweating. By the time they’re done, I feel tired, and if I’ve learned anything from playing sports and working out: if you’re tired it means you’ve burned calories. Plus, as a bonus, when they start talking to you, and never stop talking to you about how amazing Crossfit is, and how beneficial Crossfit is and how everybody in the world should just do Crossfit, you’ll spend so much time actually running away from them that you’ll burn even more calories!
This one is pretty ingenious. If you eat healthy foods, then no matter how little you exercise, you’ll actually start to lose weight and burn calories. See, the trick is to actually starve yourself, because nothing is healthier than not eating any food at all, and you don’t have to burn calories if you get none. If you can’t handle just not eating, an even better idea is to eat the most magical food of all: celery. While some online sources that look reputable claim that celery has calories, it’s a well-known fact that celery actually contains negative calories, as eating is so hard that it burns more calories than are present in celery. So, even if you do eat some food, if you eat enough celery, that food magically disappears. Boom, suddenly you’ve lost 40 pounds, you’re welcome.
You know what’s better than real life? Virtual life. For years, alternate realities have only been possibilities in video games, books, television, the minds of nerds, and theoretical physics, but now, alternate realities are entirely possible and, unlike the minds of nerds, totally acceptable in society.
With more VR headsets for easy compatibility with your phone, virtual reality has never been more of a reality. With these alternate realities comes an alternate you. You don’t have to be healthy if virtual you are healthy. So go run with dinosaurs or shoot virtual basketballs, because in that world, you’re in great condition, and who’s to tell you that it can’t be your true reality? Other than your loved ones, friends, and most of society, nobody can tell you that.
Total your Car
This is a really sneaky idea, and it’s probably the most advanced on this list as it requires the most pre-planning. First, you have to find housing at least 30 minutes from wherever it is that you want to work, attend school, or spend most of your time. Then, you have to ensure that you have a car. Next, figure out a way to destroy your car, but in a way that won’t look bad on you, incriminate yourself or someone you love or hurt your insurance in any way, because those would all suck. Now that you don’t have a car, you’ll be forced to walk to wherever it is that you want to go, which will burn a ton of calories!
There’s a quote that I feel goes very well with this. “A person of- ten meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it,” Jean de La Fontaine said. Avoiding exercise is an incredibly hard thing to do, as exercise is everywhere. When you’re at your job and they re- quire you to carry something: exercise. When you’re with your friends, and they want you to run to beat the train before it blocks your path: exercise! When you’re just trying to watch Netflix and suddenly people want to walk to get donuts: exercise.
Whenever any of these things happen, the only solution is to start running, and don’t stop run- ning until everyone who is trying to make you exercise is far behind you. And by this time, guess what you’ve actually done? Exercised. By trying to avoid this eventual- ity, as you’re obviously trying to do by attempting to keep away from the gym, you’ve actually tricked yourself into exercising. You sneaky genius.
If none of these sound useful, there are other options, such as gladiatorial fights, hawk chasing because the one you thought was your pet didn’t come back, trying to become a private investigator but realizing you don’t have cli- ents so it’s really just following people and plenty of other things. Some of them might be socially acceptable, some of them might be slightly less so. Either way, exercise is important, so people will definitely be okay with it. If you’ve read this carefully, you should be able to easily to get into better shape without the hassle or fear of having to go to the gym. These are all foolproof methods that work 100 percent of the time 55 percent of the time.
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