Angry Adam: No gym? No problem!

I get it, you’re a busy person, and you don’t have time to  workout. But, you still want to  make sure that you’re in pretty  good shape for your boy or girlfriend. Or maybe you want to get  in pretty good shape so that you  can get a boy or girlfriend. Perhaps you’re single and ready to  be single forever, but still want  to be in good shape because it’s,  like, healthy or something. I don’t  know, I’m not you.  

But luckily for you, I also  don’t have time, or any desire to  go workout at the Dow or some  super expensive gym. So, here are  some great ideas for keeping that  body from growing in size when  you don’t have the time to do a  formal workout.  

Watch Crossfit  
Have you ever gone to watch  those people who do Crossfit?  It’s pretty exhausting to watch  them push tires or jump up and  down a lot while sweating. By  the time they’re done, I feel tired,  and if I’ve learned anything from  playing sports and working out:  if you’re tired it means you’ve  burned calories. Plus, as a bonus,  when they start talking to you, and  never stop talking to you about  how amazing Crossfit is, and how  beneficial Crossfit is and how everybody in the world should just  do Crossfit, you’ll spend so much  time actually running away from  them that you’ll burn even more  calories! 

Eat Healthy  
This one is pretty ingenious.  If you eat healthy foods, then  no matter how little you exercise, you’ll actually start to lose  weight and burn calories. See, the  trick is to actually starve yourself,  because nothing is healthier than  not eating any food at all, and you  don’t have to burn calories if you  get none. If you can’t handle just  not eating, an even better idea is  to eat the most magical food of  all: celery. While some online  sources that look reputable claim  that celery has calories, it’s a  well-known fact that celery actually contains negative calories, as  eating is so hard that it burns more  calories than are present in celery.  So, even if you do eat some food,  if you eat enough celery, that food  magically disappears. Boom,  suddenly you’ve lost 40 pounds,  you’re welcome.  

Virtual Reality  
You know what’s better than  real life? Virtual life. For years,  alternate realities have only been  possibilities in video games,  books, television, the minds of  nerds, and theoretical physics,  but now, alternate realities are  entirely possible and, unlike the  minds of nerds, totally acceptable  in society.  
With more VR headsets for  easy compatibility with your  phone, virtual reality has never  been more of a reality. With these  alternate realities comes an alternate you. You don’t have to be  healthy if virtual you are healthy.  So go run with dinosaurs or shoot  virtual basketballs, because in  that world, you’re in great condition, and who’s to tell you that it  can’t be your true reality? Other  than your loved ones, friends, and  most of society, nobody can tell  you that.  

Total your Car  
This is a really sneaky idea,  and it’s probably the most advanced on this list as it requires  the most pre-planning. First, you  have to find housing at least 30  minutes from wherever it is that  you want to work, attend school,  or spend most of your time. Then,  you have to ensure that you have  a car. Next, figure out a way to  destroy your car, but in a way  that won’t look bad on you, incriminate yourself or someone  you love or hurt your insurance  in any way, because those would  all suck. Now that you don’t have  a car, you’ll be forced to walk to  wherever it is that you want to go,  which will burn a ton of calories!
 
Avoid exercise  
There’s a quote that I feel goes  very well with this. “A person of- ten meets his destiny on the road  he takes to avoid it,” Jean de La  Fontaine said. Avoiding exercise  is an incredibly hard thing to do,  as exercise is everywhere. When  you’re at your job and they re- quire you to carry something:  exercise. When you’re with your  friends, and they want you to run  to beat the train before it blocks  your path: exercise! When you’re  just trying to watch Netflix and  suddenly people want to walk to  get donuts: exercise.  

Whenever any of these things  happen, the only solution is to  start running, and don’t stop run- ning until everyone who is trying  to make you exercise is far behind  you. And by this time, guess what  you’ve actually done? Exercised.  By trying to avoid this eventual- ity, as you’re obviously trying to  do by attempting to keep away  from the gym, you’ve actually  tricked yourself into exercising.  You sneaky genius.  

If none of these sound useful,  there are other options, such as  gladiatorial fights, hawk chasing  because the one you thought was  your pet didn’t come back, trying  to become a private investigator  but realizing you don’t have cli- ents so it’s really just following  people and plenty of other things.  Some of them might be socially  acceptable, some of them might  be slightly less so. Either way,  exercise is important, so people  will definitely be okay with it. If  you’ve read this carefully, you  should be able to easily to get into  better shape without the hassle or  fear of having to go to the gym.  These are all foolproof methods  that work 100 percent of the time  55 percent of the time.