*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*
Hey guys, its October and I feel as though it’s really important for me to turn over a new leaf. You see, for the past seven issues I have been incredibly down on everything, printing out issue after issue of “Angry Adam.” Well the buck stops here, and today you’re reading the first ever happy article put forth by yours truly. Our world is already too full of anger and hate. Athletes are breaking stuff in other countries, innocent gorillas are being gunned down, and people are tearing apart the two choices for the future ruler of our country. Well, let me break the hate by telling you exactly why the presidential candidates are the greatest ever candidates.
Let’s first start off with the man who will make our great country great again? Donald Drumpf. You see, the Donald is a man who is full of fun times and hilarity. I know President Barack Obama is known for his sense of humor, but Drumpf is way funnier than that man ever was. Whether it’s his jokes about the motions of the handicapped or jokes about handling women, it’s almost as if his entire campaign is a joke in itself. Now that’s a good leader.
You know something that’s really important in the world today? Friendship. Drumpf has shown off how easy it is for him to make friends. His best-friend is a man named Vladimir Putin, an imposing man known for riding bears and kicking butts. Thankfully, while the buddies do like to do activities together and share ideas, Drumpf isn’t as intimidating as Putin and his hand fits nicely in Putin’s when they skip together. But don’t worry, Drumpf also paid a visit to our neighbors to the south and made sure to share some good siesta with the president of Mexico: Enrique Peña Nieto. Drumpf is out there taking names like his buddy Putin, but instead of kicking their butts, he’s putting them on his Christmas card list like a good friend.
Drumpf is also an incredibly hard-worker. Imagine trying to get forward in our economy with only a loan of $1 million?
Now let’s talk Hilary Clinton. There is a common saying that says: With age comes knowledge. If that’s true, Clinton is likely the smartest person on earth. She’s had millennia to perfect her speech, her clothing style, and her education and with each passing year she has added this knowledge to her crazy memory bank. Honestly at this point, Hillary is so old that she might legitimately be an immortal vampire. But hey, vampires are still cool right?
And talk about perseverance. Clinton never gives up on anything, no matter how difficult the task might be or how much younger the woman is, Hillary Clinton will stand by her country and her husband until the day that she dies, which, as we’ve already established, might never happen.
Are you still a little iffy on the whole “woman president” thing? Well, then I have some excellent news for you! While Clinton is a woman technically, for all of those women who want a woman voters, years of pantsuits, a “go get ‘em” attitude and years of tedious labor have made her the manliest woman in all of politics and possibly the world. That means if she wins the election, all of those people who voted for the other candidate can just tell themselves that she’s actually a man of sorts, and they can just live in ignorance long enough.
If you’re not completely convinced that either of these candidates are the greatest things to ever hit politics, you’re wrong. But if you prefer to be wrong, there are always some other candidates that can be more than deserving of your vote. Try out Vermin Supreme, a long-time favorite candidate known for his time-travel desires and free pony policies. Or throw in a vote for the spirit of Harambe, a candidate that was painted as a monster, but thankfully didn’t do anything actually awful, like hating minorities, refusing to release tax statements or deleting important emails.
You see, no matter what people say about our politicians and business men pretending to be politicians, we will continually have great candidates and professional people trying to keep our country succeeding.
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