*Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!
This Halloweekend was one for the history books! In the late hours of Oct. 28, Hope College’s entire squirrel population gathered in the Pine Grove for what appeared to be a Halloween party. “I thought it was some kind of Halloween prank,” passerby Benjamin Smith (’27) said. “I was just trying to get back to my dorm when I saw thousands of squirrels in the Pine Grove. When I tried to get a closer look, they started throwing nuts at me, so I just ran away.”
According to Kollen resident Deb Wilson (’25), the squirrels were “getting lit” all night, starting at around 10:00 p.m. Saturday night and until the sun came up the next morning. “I could hear the party all the way from my dorm room,” Wilson said. “The bass on their speakers was so loud I couldn’t sleep that night. I assumed it was some frat party or something, but who would have thought that the squirrels could throw down like that.”
With all the Halloween parties that took place Saturday night, Frater Super Senior Ricky Floyd (’24) was shocked that they felt the need to throw their own. “I don’t know why they didn’t just come to our function,” Floyd said. “I was working the door all night and if the squirrels came, I definitely would have let them in.”
The investigation into the party is still ongoing, but according to Campus Safety, alcohol was present, and the squirrels were “sloshed.” The squirrels must appear in front of the administrative board if they are to keep their place on campus. The president of the Squirrel Activities Committee (SAC), Ralph-Pierre The Third, spoke out on what he sees as a “simple mistake.”
“We didn’t know Hope was a dry campus,” Pierre claims. “Sure, we might have gone a little nuts, but it was Halloweekend after all.”
The party got broken up around 6:00 a.m. Sunday morning, when President Scogin woke up and looked out his window to see hundreds of squirrels passed out on the lawn of the Pine Grove. He called Campus Safety, who escorted at least a dozen squirrels out in handcuffs. Those squirrels declined to comment.