Cook Dining Hall Closed for Good: A “Casi-New” Project Coming Soon

*Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!

If you’ve been paying attention to the announcements around campus, or maybe have unsuccessfully tried to snag a meal at Cook Dining Hall, you’ve probably heard the news: Cook is closed for good. The abrupt removal of the small, though, often fresher alternative to Phelps left many students stunned, and wondering about the future of the dining facility. 

A spokesperson for Cook dining told the Anchor about a new project that is underway. “We’ll be the first college in the world to do this,” the spokesperson told us. They revealed that Cook Dining Hall will be transformed into the first casino ever to be built on a college campus. “It’s a revolutionary idea,” the spokesperson touted. “I think students will be spending a lot more time in this new facility.” Blueprints for the new project reveal a blue and orange color scheme, and themed slot machines, some of which are titled: “Rollllllllll Dutch,” “Trygve’s Revenge,”  “Train Horn,” “You’re Too Poor to Shop Downtown,” and “Your Student Loans Won’t Pay Themselves.” In addition, the casino will also feature card tables, a roulette wheel, and sports betting. Bet on any Hope v. Calvin game, and win in Team Hope’s favor ninety-nine percent of the time! The poker chips will feature a sophisticated portrait of President Scogin on the front, with a picture of a squirrel on the back– Hope’s most prized rodent. 

The new project is expected to raise student involvement, satisfaction, and increase admission rates. “The on-campus casino will provide an escape for stressed students,” said a mental health professional at Hope. “It’ll also motivate students to stay on campus during the weekends– allowing for students to really connect with the campus community.” Hope’s administration proposed requirements that will shape student life around the new casino. Instead of promoting and/or requiring community service hours, Hope will now be requiring quality casino time for each student. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a freshman or senior,” said admin members, “The Cook casino will be a hub for not only students, but the community, too. By Spring of 2025, we’re hoping to require a minimum of four hours of gambling time per week, per student.” 

The casino will also provide opportunities for students to further their academic development. Hope will be opening up a number of internships at the new casino. “There are so many opportunities for students to advance their career paths,” the project manager told the Anchor. “All of our math majors have the opportunity to be dealers, chip exchangers, and game moderators. Engineering majors can work as technicians, exploring the complexities of the slot machine. Even our Computer Science majors can display their work through creating code that will elicit the brightest, most stimulating message when a gambler wins big.” The opportunities seem to be endless for the students enrolled during the new-casino era. 

The Anchor interviewed one current Cook resident, who asked about the means of playing at the future casino. “Can we gamble with Dining Dollars?” the resident asked. Our spokesperson for the project responded: “No. Only real money can be used, not fake money that you pay three times the value for in tuition.” Despite this, though, the house money earned from the casino will go towards a good cause. The financial director for the project, who has requested to remain anonymous, told us that the money will be used to fund Hope’s newest social initiative: the Keep Gamblers Gambling Initiative. “Gamblers should continue to gamble,” said the Financial Director. “If there’s no one to gamble, who will do the gambling? Then we’re gambling on who’s gambling, and no one likes to feel gambled when they gamble.” 

“We’re shooting for this facility to be open twenty four hours,” said the spokesperson. “But of course, closed on Sundays.” “It’s a revolutionary model that’ll keep students coming back to Hope,” the Project Manager claimed. “Perhaps even after they graduate.”