*Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!
After weeks of arguments about who shall be the new Speaker of the House, Congress finally elected Mike Johnson, (R-LA). For his first course of action, he has decided to fix a very pressing issue, American geography. The bill swiftly passed unanimously in the House of Representatives and almost unanimously in the Senate: 99/100 voted in favor; Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) fell asleep. So what changes come with the “New America Bill”?
Dissolution of Wyoming
Wyoming has long been the least populous state in the union and supplies next to no value to the rest of America. In fact, many believe it is not a real state at all. For this reason, Congress has decided to remove its statehood and dissolve it. Parts of the state will be divided up based on longitudinal lines into the states of Oregon, Montana, Idaho and Colorado. Montana has claimed dibs on Yellowstone National Park.
Idaho Takes Part of Oregon
There has long been a movement to take the western part of Oregon and make it a part of Idaho due to political differences between coastal and rural Oregon. The people of Portland agreed with the notion and all 37.5 people living in the western half of Oregon have been transferred over to Idahoan residency. This makes Oregon a red state (red as in marxist not Republican), and their new flag will contain a hammer and swoosh — an Oregonian alternative to hammer and sickle.
Combining the Dakotas
Other than Mount Rushmore, there is no distinct difference between North and South Dakota. For this reason, Congress has decided to combine them into one state called Dakota. The capital will be Fargo, and a Bison named Bucky has been confirmed to be the newly-appointed governor. Their new flag will feature an oil drilling rig, Mount Rushmore and artistically-rendered guns in order represent their lack of gun restriction.
Michigan gets Toledo Strip back
Congress acknowledges that Ohio sucks and Michigan is cooler, so they have decided to give the Toledo Strip to Michigan. This overturns Andrew Jackson’s 1836 decision to give that chunk of land to Ohio after the Toledo War. This means Michigan receives the Toledo Mud Hens baseball team, the Toledo Zoo, a Jeep factory, and bragging rights. Ohio receives nothing.
Annexation of Canadian Provinces, British Columbia and Yukon
Alaskan Congressmen have long felt ostracized because their state is not connected to the other 48 states. Congress decided to change this by annexing British Columbia with our National Guard. All of the Canadians were too nice to fight back, so Prime Minister Trudeau struck a deal allowing the U.S. possession of British Columbia as long as we keep Justin Bieber. He also provided the U.S. with Yukon Territory for a second round pick in the 2024 NBA draft. Following the trade, President Joe Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a real win for the American people. America receives Great Britain while keeping Justin Bieber; he was great in that movie with the Trolls. And we get that bearded Yukon guy, I liked it when he helped save Rudolph so we could still have Christmas that year. Anyways…I…uh…Kamala is it time for my nap?”
Since British Columbia is a functional Canadian province, they will keep the same governor, same flag and same capital in Victoria. The capital will be Whitehorse, the only town with more than 9 people.
Making Puerto Rico a State
The people of Puerto Rico are overjoyed at finally becoming a state and will change their slogan of “No taxation without representation” to “It’s about time.” They have more people than Wyoming, Vermont, Alaska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Delaware, Montana, Rhode Island, Maine, New Hampshire, Hawaii, West Virginia, Hawaii, New Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Mississippi, Arkansas, Iowa and Nevada.
These changes are effective January 1, 2024 and are expected to be widely popular across America.