*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition.*
The recent announcement from the head of Hope College Dining Services that Chef’s Choice will no longer be serving hotdogs came as a shock to the campus community. The move is the first step in an ongoing effort to make the Hope Dining Halls a more sophisticated establishment.
Already there has been frantic student backlash to this evolution. “If they’re taking away the Chef’s Choice, what’s next?” tweeted Hope sophomore Johannes VanderKlooster on Monday. “The Rooster Wrap? The Dagwood?!”
Beyond concerns for other Creative Dining favorites, students are also worried about meeting their nutritional needs. “I used to have a hotdog before and after practice every day, but what will I do now?” said senior football player Chad McBicep. “How else will I get my 5,000 grams of protein a day?”
“The Chef’s Choice hot dogs were the only things getting me through my freshman year” declared undeclared student AvaGrace MarieGrace while protesting outside on the Phelps lawn. “I miss my mom’s cooking!” More protests are in the works, with posters and signs being circulated across campus.
Additionally, some students have taken it upon themselves to respond to the tense situation by stealing more utensils and dishware, adding to a growing problem for dining hall staff. “The time for anarchy is now!” an unidentified student yelled as he charged into Phelps during the peak of the 5:30 rush. He emerged with handfuls of spoons and forks, yelling, “And hotdogs don’t even NEED silverware!” Eyewitnesses say that the culprit was gone long before Campus Safety arrived on the scene.
The entire situation has been described as bizarre, puzzling, and the “worst wurst decision ever.” In search of clarification and the truth, these two journalists decided to get to the root of all of this: the Chef himself.
Most students might not know that the mastermind behind Phelps Dining Hall is none other than Chef Gordon Ramsey. “I’ve spent enough time hiding,” he confided over a private Zoom call. “Phelps must no longer be home to boiled hot dogs and unseasoned chicken! I refuse to be tied down to this institution’s culinary decisions. It’s time for me to make my true choice.”
According to Ramsay, the dining services team will be making a shift in their approach to feeding students. “Phelps requires greater sophistication,” he explained. “We are evolving to become more than just a dining hall, but rather a fine dining experience. We figured that with the high meal plan costs, students should get some bang for their buck.”
This new dining plan will feature limited seating, with most tables and booths being swapped for small, two-person stations adorned with bright orange tablecloths and vases of fake blue flowers. Reservations will also soon be required, with students needing to fill out yet another Google form to access a time slot. Spots are limited, so students are encouraged to act quickly to get a table. The coveted 5:30 time slot, however, requires some notoriety, with spots being specifically reserved for Student Congress members, top-scoring athletes, worship team members, and Pull/Nykerk coaches (while in season). “‘More Time to Dine?’ More like their time to shine, if you ask me.”
Possible replacements for the hot dog include filet mignon and/or a personal fondue spread for every table, but Ramsay was cautious to share too many details due to the chants from protesters outside. “It’s best we keep these decisions quiet, at least until the crowds die down.”
Additionally, Phelps is currently hiring for the role of a maître d’ during the lunch and dinner hours. If interested, please get an application from Cup and Chaucer and submit it along with a resume. According to Ramsay, “The ideal candidate should be able to keep a strict eye on utensil usage, be able to monitor manners, and clean dishes in a pinch!”