How to be as unprepared as possible for the school year and beyond: An expert’s opinion

Preparing for the new school year is hard. There are classes to schedule, books to buy, homework to do, schedules to change, administrative inconveniences to deal with and more. All this stuff can certainly pile up and get overwhelming quickly. You are then faced with a very hard task, how to prepare? Well, If you are looking for some tips on how to not prepare and to make sure that you get the least out of your semester, then look no further, because I have a few tip and tricks to ensure you are as unprepared as possible.

Living Space: First things first, you can begin to prepare as soon as you move in. Even if you have moved in already, make sure to backtrack and follow my steps to make sure you prepare as poorly as can be achieved.

1. Never fully move in. College is only for nine months right? Don’t stop using your suitcases as drawers and, whatever you do, do not organize the room in any way. This will ensure maximum long term disorganization.

2. Never clean unless you absolutely must. Make sure to use your room as, essentially, a comfortable trash can. This will make sure that you never quite reach a point in your life where it can be organized, which is good, because that would be horrible. Plus, this way you can never have other people over because of the smell, and loneliness is proven to increase long term success.

Acquiring School Supplies: School supplies are a major part of preparation, whether we like it or not. Here are a few tips to make sure you use your
supplies as inefficiently as possible.

1.Wait to purchase books until you’re at least a few weeks behind. You can tell others it’s because you are just waiting to see which books you actually need, but just know that it’s both a way to rationalize not doing the reading, or being present in the class at all. This is important because, by putting off purchasing the books until the professor mentions it, you can ensure that you will have the maximum amount of confusion and unpreparedness come test and paper days.

2.Why use notebooks and folders when you can not use them instead? If you want maximum inefficiency, and we all do, make sure to let every single important document float free in your backpack. Or, better yet, don’t even use a backpack. Just palm what your receive in class and throw it on your floor when you get home. This will maximize both your use of school supplies and living space, which is a veritable win-win that ensures you will never get on top of your classwork.

Class: Class is the main function of attending college, period, end of story. It is class that sets you up for everything you need to learn for your degree and it is your classes that determine exactly what your degree will be. Thus, it is wildly important to treat class with care in order to make sure that you learn absolutely nothing and remain the worst possible student you can be! Here are some tips on how to make that happen:

1. If you must go to class, go to class at least five minutes late and make sure that you are late because you are doing homework you should have done the night before, at the very last minute. That alone will make certain that not only will you never be able to quite get the hang of what’s going on in class, but that the professor will most certainly notice a pattern of disdain and begin to grade you accordingly. This is essential to being as unprepared for long term academic success as you can as it is so important to never treat class as important.

2. If you are truly committed to not committing to long term success, then this tip is for you. Make sure to prioritize almost everything before going to class. Want to nap instead of math class? Go for it. Getting a little hungry right before art? It is literally the best time to go with your friends to
Chipotle. To truly be as unprepared as possible, this is a must. Skip as much class as is feasible so when you do go to class you are unable to catch up and end up, thankfully, without the long term success we so greatly fear.

Homework: The worst that school has to offer, from first to 30th grade, is homework. Here are some tips on how to make sure that homework is easy for you and produces the least possible fruit in your academic life.

1. If you must do homework, make sure to wait until the last possible minute to produce the most rushed product possible. Ten page research paper? You’re a fast writer. Wake up early the day of and skip your other classes. Reading response due at 11:59? Start at 11:15. Reading for discussion? Don’t do it. This will, without a doubt, ensure that you cannot possibly achieve scholastic success, and thus it is imperative to make sure little to no genuine effort is wasted on homework.

2. Don’t do the homework. That is an extremely effective way to be ineffective. We all know that preparation and follow-through are some of the most important parts of college, and hopefully, these tips and tricks can help ensure that you get the least of this whole experience as possible.

'How to be as unprepared as possible for the school year and beyond: An expert’s opinion' has 1 comment

  1. December 30, 2017 @ 9:28 pm Jay Wolff

    This is pretty damn funny


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