*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*
“I cannot tell you how much I’ve cried over the past few weeks. Everything in my world has begun to fall apart. I thought I could be the very best, but I’ve failed. Again. Growing up in a single parent household, all I really wanted was a way to make my father, wherever he is, proud. Now, I’ve found that the only thing I had going for me is over.
It all started a few weeks ago when I was walking around Hope College. It was the beginning to my end. I found myself surrounded by others like me who love the world of Pokémon GO. I felt on top of the world when I realized that I was one of the few in the area representing Team Yellow. So, after single-handedly conquering Pillar Church’s gym with my 1,996 CP Pikachu, I went to Peachwave to celebrate with some fro-yo. While trying to scarf down the delicious treat in my hand and swipe Poké-Balls at the same time, I dropped my Samsung Note 7 on the ground. It immediately burst into flames like the tail of an angry Charizard. In an effort to save my game, I dropped what was left of my melted yogurt on it. That was a disaster. I fell to my knees, knowing that my mother can never afford to buy me a new one without any income. My Pokémon Go days are over. It was nice knowing you guys.”
“My Pokémon GO Horror story starts at Kollen Park. Known as the very best source for water-type Pokémon, (which are the ONLY kind I catch), I walk the sidewalks of Lake Macatawa often. Although many hate it, I love smelling the fresh, fishy air and spending my day walking near the muddy-brown water. It was on one of my walks that multiple Pokémon appeared on my screen. Among them, I immediately spotted a Gyrados on my screen. A Gyrados! Can you believe it?
Quickly I began to tap the screen and tried to touch the Pokémon so that I could attempt to catch it, but my app just wasn’t responding. I couldn’t believe it. Like, seriously? This was just not the time. I tried over and over to click on it, but I just couldn’t seem to unfreeze the screen. It was after a good fifteen minutes that I realized my only option was to restart the game. Hesitantly, I closed the app and reopened it a second later. I waited for the screen to load and I felt the familiar buzz that notified me Pokémon were nearby. My heart jumped. But, as I looked all around, the only Pokémon I saw were Psyduck. I stomped away after catching one, disappointed at how easily Gyrados had gotten away. Someday, my dream of catching all the water-type Pokémon will come true…”
“I’m not really into this whole Pokémon GO hype, but my little brothers and sisters got me to download the app (it’s more of a silly kid thing), but I play it from time to time when I leave the gym. I found that it was a good motivation for me to run farther by setting my goals to hatching eggs every day.
As many of you know, my sight isn’t the best. So, as I was running one day, checking my progress on Pokémon GO as usual, I made a huge mistake. My focus was on watching my egg hatch as I hit the 5 KM mark, which was my usual daily goal, and not on my path. Big mistake. I ended up running across the street while not looking and was hit by a Campus Safety vehicle. To add to my shame, the officer ran out and laughed when she saw what I had been so concerned with.
‘An Oddish? Was it worth it?’ she laughed as I burned red with shame. Mental note: beware of your surroundings. No Pokémon is worth getting hit over.”
New and approved game
For those of you paying attention to the PokéWorld, there are some big things arriving in November and we have the exclusive. Below, you’ll find a list of what to expect in the new games, Pokémon Sun and Moon.
1. A sun AND a moon!
The games are finally getting the revolution that PokéFans have been demanding for decades. No longer are trainers forced to pretend that these worlds are so different from their own. Now, the PokéWorld is complete with the new addition of a sun and a moon that will be avaliable at least 24 hours of the PokéDay.
2. Remastered Pokémon
Who didn’t love the original 150? But seriously, it’s 2016 and we needed some change. The creators of Pokémon heard us loud and clear and they decided that this time, they would do the complete opposites of the 150, including their colors and types. How ridiculous is it that Pikachu has been an electric-type since 1996, anyways? Too ridiculous. Now, the cute little mouse comes fully prepared as a ground type with an adorably round purple body and white features.
3. Islands are a thing again
Remember the beloved Orange Islands that never really happened in the games, but they did in the show? Of course you do. Now, instead of a convinent land that is like an actual continent to explore, you can visit basically Hawaii. Alola to bikes and alola to your new surf boards! I certainly cannot wait.