In case you aren’t already aware, it is officially Christmas. You see, here in Michigan it seems that once Thanksgiving is over it begins the month-long holiday of Christmas. It stretches from Nov. 25 until Dec. 25 and consists of holiday songs playing entirely too loud, people hanging and placing an obscene amount of ornaments and decorations around their homes and wearing tacky sweaters four days a week because we’re all so unique in our creative dressing choices.
However, other than these few things, there are many other national activities that one should be doing to properly enjoy this holiday that seems to fill everyone with either too much joy or a bloodlust that will not be satiated until they have pried the greatest presents from the hands of a struggling single mother. Don’t worry if you’re not completely familiar with this holiday, because your favorite Anchor staff member, Adam, is here to help.
The first of the many activities that you will be required to participate in on this momentous occasion is something that we in the know like to call: Car Olympics. While many will say that the incredible snow fall that is to come is something that will make driving more difficult, here in Michigan we actually welcome it with open arms and poor decision making. The Car Olympics spawned in the highly reactive combination of intense cold and snow followed immediately by incredible heat and rain. This causes an amazing situation where we have one of two scenarios at all times. Either visibility of less than two feet, or roads completely covered by ice. Sometimes both! And these are the perfect conditions for the two main events of the Car Olympics: The 3-4 mile curling event, and the blind 3-4 mile curling event.
Regular Olympic curling consists of the Canadians dominating everyone in an event of their own sick creation, but the 3-4 mile curling event is actually domineered to be dominated by the Michiganders. Regular curling starts with people throwing stones down a super slick icy track, while people with brooms sweep in order to affect its speed. The car event is similar, however, the sweepers have already gone through the road and expect people to drive at 10 or 15 miles an hour. The reason those of us from Michigan are so good at the event is that we apparently have evolved to a point where this speed is far too slow for us, and thus we careen ourselves down the roads at upwards of 40 miles an hour. Nobody has a faster curl than the Michigan natives. And, we always stop at our destinations, usually because there happens to be a pole or a nice ditch to stop us. The blind event is almost the exact same thing, but we drive just as recklessly through worse conditions.
Other events in the Car Olympics include the 2-ton deadstart. The deadstart is most similar to a deadlift, where in the regular Olympics, athletes will attempt to pick up a heavy object immediately off the ground and lift it over his head. He is picking up an object at rest and immediately putting it into motion. The deadstart is similar, but involves a moderately chunky person attempting to force their half frozen car immediately into drive. They’re taking an object that is most definitely at rest, and doing their best to put it into motion. Where a deadlift might result in an injured back or knees, the deadstart will most often result in an injured car and dignity as you try to explain to the mechanic why you’re an idiot.
As you can tell, the Car Olympics take the cake for the most exciting activity that we have up here in Michigan for the month of Christmas, but it is far from being the only one. Don’t get me started on painful outdoor activities. The first event isn’t a Michigan-only event, but we have definitely perfected it over the years, and that is snowball fighting. You’ve seen movies, television shows and commercials that feature the entire cul-de-sac of kids meeting in the center driveway and throwing snowballs at each other, laughing and having a wonderful time. And the whole time you’ve always imagined the fun it would be. Well prepare to have your world destroyed faster than when you learned that your mom made Santa Claus up as you head to the hospital from blunt force trauma. Search for people to have a light-hearted battle with before you realize that your friend brought their friend Chad that you hate and he hurls a chunk of ice and rock at your head. Luckily, as Chad stands over your body and laughs, your real friends will likely take you to the hospital before you bleed all over their beautiful snow. You’re hurt. Chad’s the worst. Snowball fights are great.
And, don’t worry, every year there will without a doubt be one of those amazing events where everyone comes out and makes ice sculptures. This one is for all of you out there who think that you’re artistic. Draw up a beautiful design, grab a chunk of ice, and get to work before you realize that it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever attempted to do, and give up once you immediately break what was going to be the neck of the swan you were going to make. Then, begrudgingly drag your destroyed creation to the competition and get ready to be blown away by actually talented people who have carved states of the manger scene so beautiful that the Sistine Chapel would be envious. Then, after you’ve seen that first place guy’s design, go look at the losing creations of Death Stars, angels, and the swan that you totally envisioned in your head when you started creating yours. Once you’ve lowered your head and attempted to avoid all the judgmental stares and mean comments, trudge home and lose all hope of ever becoming an artist again. Go Christmas!
There are so many other great events that you’ll have to discover for yourself without me detailing every event to you. Enjoy the glory of hot chocolate lip burning, twelve second sled rides followed by ten minute walks uphill, shivering because you didn’t wear long sleeves to bed, falling down on a frozen pond for an hour and, my personal favorite, forced “joyful” singing. If none of those float your boat, I hear ice-fishing is equally as amazing, because what spells love of winter like sitting in a small hut and wishing you were never born? The month-long Christmas holiday is the best holiday there is