Life is hard. College is hard. Why does everything have to be so difficult? Fear not reader, for you are not the only one who cannot manage to complete basic daily tasks required for a human body to function properly. Like the rest of us, you are probably “so over it” and need a new way to cope with disappointment that doesn’t involve kneeling under the ice cream machine in Phelps while your arm strains against the force of the lever, desperate to keep the flow of that sweet, milky goodness spiraling into your gaping maw.
There are several approaches one might take in order to relieve the negative feelings associated with being “over it.” The first is a delicate technique that has been refined over the course of many years by our animal brethren. It is known colloquially as “throwing a fit,” and if you follow my instructions very carefully, you just might be able to pull it off. Your first course of action will involve taking a deep breath. Secondly, you must acknowledge, verbally or otherwise, that you are “over it.”
Finally, you must hurl yourself onto the floor, moaning all the while. While the moaning is important, screaming is an acceptable alternative. This method works best when you are outside of your comfort zone. For instance, my betta fish, Betta O’Rourke, throws himself around in his bowl and floats toward the bottom after I change his water. I too am a master of this technique. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I wake up at 7:00 a.m, sigh and say to myself, “I am so over it.” At that point, I throw my weary body out of my lofted twin bed and onto the floor below. I never forget to moan, which is probably why this technique works so well for me. It is an efficient way to wake up, and as a bonus, I get these cool purple patches all over my skin. The next approach is not a favorite of mine, likely because it lacks the pizzazz associated with throwing oneself at the floor.
I have named this approach “being an adult,” which doesn’t sound fun at all. In fact, 1/1 survey participants preferred throwing a fit to being an adult, so I cannot, in good conscience, recommend the latter technique. However, it remains my journalistic duty to report all of the facts, so it is at this point that I will instruct you in how to employ this wildly unpopular coping mechanism. This method starts out in relatively the same way as the first, with slight variation. Taking a deep breath, while not required, is recommended to begin this practice. You will still need to acknowledge that you are “over it.” However, you must do so silently. The reason for this stems from a radical idea about “having courtesy for others,” or something like that. The next step is the one in which this approach completely loses its appeal. It requires that you again take into consideration the needs of those around you and rationally choose a course of action by which the pressing situation can be resolved with the least amount of damage.
There is no moaning or screaming permitted while employing this method of coping. You absolutely may not beat your fists or roll on the floor. This technique is super hard and no fun at all, so you probably shouldn’t do it. So the next time you’re stressed, confused or #overit, don’t be afraid to try throwing a fit! But if you’re a square, then I guess you’ll want to be an adult and “do the right thing” or whatever. Finally, don’t forget to read next week’s edition of life hacks, where we’ll discuss a super easy and underrated way to get rid of acne! Hint: it involves sandpaper.