Gay squirrel pride takes over in the Pine Grove

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*


RING BY SPRING — Vows aren’t only for guy-and-girl squirrels. Those two tailless, handsome
and romantic rodents found each other at Hope. (White Wolf Pack)

By: Jeanae Traakip

Hope College is no stranger to marriages being held in its historic Dimnent Memorial Chapel, but April 1 became a day of many firsts for the Holland campus. Not only did Hope host its first ever wedding in the Pine Grove, but it was its first gay animal marriage.

The two young black squirrels, Neil Fir and David Maple, who met at Hope during their freshman year, were thrilled to be able to share the Pine Grove, which is arguably their favorite spot on campus, with their clos est friends and family.

The two squirrels, even though they had seen one an other around campus came to know one another better after a frolf accident. Both squirrels were hit with frisbees by Durfee Hall residents with poor aim. After being rescued by passing students, both squirrels came under the care of Club Animalia, who nursed them back to health and rehabilitated them. The long hours spent together, learning how to climb trees again, connected the squirrels deeply.

Fast forward three years later and the squirrels have gotten the acorn by spring.

The Pine Grove was lavishly littered with fallen tree branches and paper flowers made from Dykstra printer paper. The ceremony was short and modest delivered by the local Hawk that can be spotted lurking by Voorhees Hall.

The two squirrels had a young grey squirrel serve as their flow er girl, but instead of petals, she tossed sprinkles taken from Phelps donuts. The two grooms followed, scurrying down the aisle, stopping occasionally to gnaw on a sprinkle.

The vows were personal and heartfelt and led beautifully up to the exchanging of nuts. Fir gave a Bur Oak acorn and Maple gave a Water Oak acorn. Fol lowing the nuts, the two young squirrels exchanged a passion filled nuzzle after being united as Mr. and Mr. Fi-rMaple.

The Fir-Maple reception was held in the dumpsters outside of Phelps Dining Hall where they dined on day-old macho nachos. Hope was thrilled to have such a progressive event held on its premises. This couple looks forward to getting future inquiries from beloved members of the community.

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