Student congress president resigns

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*



GUMP JOKES: HIS CAMPAIGN IS A HOAX — Ronald Gump and Melanie Winston faced off in the strangest election Hope College has seen in years. (Pinterest)

President Ronald Gump admits entire campaign was a joke, leaves after one day

Last week, newly elected Student Congress President, Ronald Gump, announced his resignation in light of shocking allegations. Gump was accused of faking his entire campaign by a now-deleted post on Yik Yak. Gump responded to this post in his farewell address: “Yes, my campaign was a joke. A huge joke. The biggest.”

Apparently the joke began last year when Gump’s friends dared him to run for student congress president and try to lose on purpose. But suddenly his platform gained support and his campaign took off.

“My supporters grew by the dozens. Then the hundreds. I know a few of them – good people, the best people. But I’m surprised they voted for me.” And Gump has good reason. His campaign was accused of spreading hateful messages around the college. Gump himself says most of these messages are not in line with his real personal beliefs. But he became swept up in the whirlwind of support.

His supporters (ironically) praised Gump for his honesty and thought his lack of experience was a breath of fresh air compared to his opponent, Melanie Winston. Winston was student body president in high school and middle school. She famously started a student government at her elementary school where she served as president, vice president and the entire administration. Gump supporters criticized her life in politics as well as her demeanor, as well as the issue of some missing GRE scores which Winston apologized for but continues to avoid questions about.

Gump and Winston supporters divided the campus during the election season. An even larger group wondered how this election could even be real. Gump seemed to truly believe his claims. But it was the fact that people supported him that still baffles campus in light of this scandal. He famously went on a 2 am Twitter rant about the election being rigged, and later compared Winston to a witch. Gump also had a suspiciously close relationship with the student president of Calvin College, whom most Hope College students do not trust. His plans to remove the entire squirrel population from Hope’s campus caused reactions of outrage from animal rights activists but overwhelming support from his supporters. However, his decision to replace them with chipmunks was met with confusion as usual.

One of Gump’s most controversial plans was to create a more rigorous application process for out-of-state students. His campaign argued this would “protect” the culture of the Midwest. However, it showed he lacked any knowledge of the president’s actual powers. He would have had to bypass the rest of the Student Congress to even propose this change. When asked how he would garner support from the congress, Gump famously asked, “Who’s that?”

Now that Gump has revealed his secret to the campus, Winston will take office as president of a divided and confused student body.

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