*Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!
Have you ever been in Phelps Dining Hall During community hour and thought to yourself: surely there’s a better way! Do you go to Chapel and ask the Lord, “Please let there be a place for me to sit. Please let the lines not be too long.” Well, your prayers have been answered.
Following the most recent dining service survey, Phelps is putting a new system in place to help students get in and out of the dining hall in record time. Introducing: Lunch Launch. By converting T-shirt cannons traditionally used to shoot merchandise at eager sports fans, dining hall workers will be able to deliver food faster than ever. Think about your favorite Phelps meal. Now, imagine the fries, sandwiches and hotdogs all being shot out of one of these in an instant!
Using these canons will dramatically increase the speed of service. Simply wait by your desired station and have your favorite meals hurled at you like delicious torpedos. Even better – experience the same fun getting your favorite various liquids as water guns replace the normal soda fountain and soup station. No longer do you have to wait in a long and boring line for your favorite hot, chicken-noodle soup – get it squirted at you instead! Just make sure to have your bowl at the ready (*note: Hope College is not liable for any burns sustained at Phelps Dining Hall).
After the announcement of the new plan, the Anchor conducted several interviews to gauge the student body’s reaction. One student, Emmaleigh McCloskeigh, expressed great enthusiasm surrounding the new and improved Phelps Dining Hall. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner! I mean yes, I got a minor second-degree burn the first time I went to the soup station, but it’s a small price to pay for such incredible service.”
Not all students share Emmaleigh’s sentiments. There have been many complaints and an increase in Health Center appointments concerning ‘food-related injuries.’ “I just wanted my hot dog,” said one student, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I thought Phelps was crazy enough. I never imagined the food would turn into violent projectiles. You’re never safe.”
The college has claimed that it aims to keep the plan in place until at least the Fall semester, with the hopes that students’ reflexes will get faster and that the college lawyers are able to keep lawsuits at bay. Until then, good luck and stay safe.
T-shirt launcher converted to launch lunch food at Phelps Dining Hall (Credit: FX in Motion)