RANCHOR: In Memoriam

It’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing from green to gold, the air is crisp as the crunchiest apple picked fresh from the orchard and all can partake in the fun of frolicking in the yard playing football while the turkey roasts inside. All is refreshing and calm. What once was new becomes old. What is old becomes forgotten. Like the Halloween candy we forgot to eat last year and is now rotting away in its wrappers or the pie crust that is now freezer-burnt beyond repair, we must pay respect to our fallen: what once was all the rage, now made redundant by modern technology.

CD was born in 1983 to father James Russell. CD loved adventure in the form of late-night, long drives with the windows down on highways or winding scenic byways. A lifetime trickster, CD loved the thrill of illegal downloads, which made her popular among teens and united them with a passion for music. 2001 marked a pivotal year in CD’s life as she experienced turbulence with the arrival of rival computer download. According to dear friend, Digital Trends, in 2014, revenue from music streaming sites surpassed that of CD sales for the first time. CD is survived by children Digital Downloads and Online Playlists.


Purchased Music was born in the early 2000s. Friends remember Purchased Music as “dependable” and “adaptable,” referring to his ability to always be there for those who needed him most. As described by his spouse, MP3 player, Purchased Music was “Loved by everyone; the life of every party.” In the mid 2010s, tragedy struck with the arrival of music streaming sites. Purchased Music is survived by children Spotify, Apple Music and Pandora.


Home Phone was born in 1876 to father Alexander Graham Bell. Home Phone, known by many as “Landline” was a staple in most households for half a century. Home Phone loved late-night chats, long-distance conversations and receiving endless amounts of affection from his longtime friend, the telemarketer. Home Phone’s legacy is survived by daughter Cell Phone.


Bank was born around 1,800 BC near Babylon in ancient Mesopotamia. For centuries Bank has been a staple in any society; a true symbol of prosperity and function. Bank was known by friends as “orderly” and “timely.” Co-workers remember her fondly as a dependable soul who, while often busy, offered gifts such as pens and stationary as mementos of affection. Bank is survived by daughter Online Banking.


Television’s birthday is debated, but his lasting impact on the world will not be forgotten. Those who knew him remember some of the best memories they have of him were spending time relaxing after a long day of work with the best new series or watching cartoons while munching on sugary cereal on Saturday mornings. He communicated valuable information, such as the first time man walked on the moon and the fall of the Berlin Wall. Television is survived by children Netflix, YouTube, Hulu and Prime Video.


Newspaper was born in Roman times and has been a consistent part of daily life for countless millennia. She was described as “vivid storyteller” and “consistent.” Her co-workers say that she “always had something to say” and was well-informed most of the time. She was also available every day of the week, even Sunday, which made her popular with the older crowd. Newspaper is survived by children Digital News, Twitter and, well… this.



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