*This article is part of The Ranchor, The Anchor’s biannual satire edition.*
Last month, investigative journalists at The Anchor uncovered an email sent to the Hope College president regarding the new Hope College Future WiFi update. In the email, the IT department detailed the “unfortunate situation” regarding the old system, namely, that the WiFi system was powered almost entirely by 10 monkeys and a hand crank. The monkeys, who were living underneath Phelps Dining Hall, appear to be of Chimp descent, with one Orangutan sitting in an office chair and working a manual version of a network switch.
The other nine monkeys were apparently responsible for the processing power of the campus router, which was, in turn, hooked up to an old-fashioned crank. Thanks to Goodall’s Law of Monkey-See-Monkey-Do, the nine monkeys all worked together and took turns generating the power. They would each turn the crank for about an hour, and then switch with the next monkey and take their break, where they would steal food from the dining hall, sleep in empty dorms, and fling their feces for fun. This not only explains the poor Internet performance, but also the terrible smell in the Phelps dorm hallways.
After the news broke, President Matthew Scogin addressed the student body in a live-streamed speech, hoping to assuage the student’s fears. He appeared on the screen dressed in a blue suit and orange tie, with his teeth bared in an almost impossibly wide smile. “I assure you that this is a one-off problem,” the subtitles read, as the audio seemed to be malfunctioning, “no other organization on our campus is run by monkeys.” The speech was well received, despite the President cracking a banana in half mid-sentence and eating it with his fingers. “The monkeys have been relieved of their duties and will simply exist as part of the campus. Please treat them as you would any other student,” he continued to say as he ate.
As for Hope College Future, Walton White, the head of the theoretical physics department, has some inside information on how it works. “It’s all hooked up to our state-of-the-art particle accelerator,” he said, slapping the side of the accelerator tube, “you could download about 10 hours of video in just a few seconds. Rumor has it that with a few tweaks we might even be able to get the online dining hall menus to load.” Despite this pipe dream, the accelerator has been doing a great job managing the WiFi so far, and with only minimal amounts of radioactive waste. “It’s nothing we can’t manage,” White said, “We’re just storing it in the space below Phelps. Hey, the monkeys aren’t using it anymore.”
We attempted to reach out to President Scogin, who has recently begun going by the nickname Bogo, regarding this potential threat. He declined to comment, instead opting to grimace at our interviewer and run away on his knuckles.
The recently growing sentiment on campus is, surprisingly, concern for the monkeys themselves. While many students have problems with allowing presumably wild primates to roam campus, some others are concerned for the monkeys’ well-being. “It’s not fair to deprive these monkeys of a safe home,” said Paul Goodson (‘23), a political science major, “And firing them in this economy is just cruel.” Jessie Pinkerton (‘26), a biology major, claims that “These monkeys are disrupting our learning environment and should be removed from campus immediately.” After the interview, Jessie was expelled.
President Bogo was again asked to comment on the concerns of the student body. He was found squatting beside an anthill, picking up and eating whatever ventured out. He chose to ignore the interviewer once again, deciding his time was better spent scratching itches in places unmentionable here. We reached out via email to a number of the recently hired administrators on campus, including Dean Lolo, Vice President Jocko, HR Director Chip-Chip, and Provost Cheeky. None responded except Jocko, whose statement of “banabbananabbbanbnbaana” was dismissed as unfit for publication.
In the coming weeks, students will see how well Hope College Future functions for their day-to-day needs. However, since all classes except “IDS 333: Advanced Fruit Gathering” have been canceled, it’s unlikely those needs even exist.