‘H-shot’ vaccine yields unusual symptoms

Last week, the college announced that students would soon be eligible for COVID-19 vaccinations administered through the school, and that students interested in receiving one would quickly receive their doses. This was widely received as a great opportunity for an accelerated return to normal, something the country and the world as a whole has been craving for over a year. However, it was revealed Monday that a select few students were made eligible for early vaccinations, offered generously through a recent entrant into the COVID vaccine race, Parasol Corp.

Parasol health professionals (and their black-clad, ominous security detail) hosted a vaccination drive inside of Dimnent Hall early Monday morning, with approximately 300 students coming and going in socially-distanced groups to receive jabs. Like the Johnson and Johnson vaccine, Parasol’s vaccine (called The H Vaccine) is a single-shot. However, unlike the J&J formula, Parasol boasts a mere 24 hours for complete recovery! This has come under scrutiny by the medical community, who claim such a pace is beyond belief, but that has in no way stopped the vaccine from passing through the legal process. When asked about the legality of their formula, Parasol employee Alex Weskin commented “While we have had reports of mild side effects, we feel there is nothing to be concerned about. After all, this is a vaccine, not a virus we’re giving out; what’s the worst that could happen?”

The Anchor spoke with one of the recipients of the vaccine, Senior Mary Laffey. “At first I was a little concerned because I was under the impression that vaccines don’t typically glow? But I suppose the active ingredients in every formula are a little different! It also worried me a bit when they strapped me down before the jab. Then again, I have had some friends faint when they see needles, so maybe Parasol is just very proactive!” It should be noted that Mary seemed to have an unusual growth on her face at the time of our speaking, a mark looking highly similar to a third eyeball. It made firm eye contact the full time however, so the Anchor applauds Mary for her commitment to minding her manners!

There were, however, some detractors present outside of Dimnent, making accusations that the vaccine was not all it was cracked up to be. Business student Michael Pineda had this to say: “Like, I guess my real concern isn’t so much about the actual idea of getting vaccinated you know, but like, why these guys? Is nobody else a little concerned that they just showed up here with big vans and a lot of security? I don’t think even President Scogin knew they were coming. Where is he anyway? He didn’t show up to commemorate that new plaque they’re putting up in Devos-” At this moment, we were asked to stop our interview, and Michael was escorted off of campus by several Parasol employees.

On Tuesday, like clockwork, campus health sent out an email stating that wastewater sampling had determined a 30% decrease in COVID presence. It appears the vaccinations were successful! However, there have been concerns raised among students that something seems amiss about those selected for the experiment vaccination drive, including their odd gaits and yellowing skin. Sophomore-year Sheryl Ramesh, during her normal gym session, was somewhat perturbed as her entire left arm fell off during a deadlift. Thankfully she was in no pain, and managed to break her PR during the lift, but the event did raise some alarms. When asked to comment, she was unable to form complete sentences, most syllables that consisted of grunts and yipping sounds.

With every medical breakthrough there are those inclined to conspiracy, but it is unfortunate when that alarmism reaches the upper echelons of higher education. This appears to have been the case with the Professors of the Nursing and various Pre-Health Programs. Professors were seen locking themselves in the Science Center, mixing chemicals and grabbing various herbs. I spoke with one professor through a locked door as they chained themselves inside. “Seriously, nobody else is seeing this? I mean we’re pretty intelligent people in my department but it should be fairly obvious!” They pointed to a student in the main hall, who was seemingly chewing on a detached tendon of a classmate. “You can’t tell me that’s normal! Everyone needs to get inside and find a weapon, the Parasol vaccine turns people into-” It became impossible to hear them as one of the Geology professors fired up a homemade flamethrower.

Students are advised to do their due diligence before selecting a vaccine, as some users have reported mild side effects such as chills, nausea, fevers and an uncontrollable bloodlust. As we approach summer and the percentage of the vaccinated population rises, we may see conditions return to normal more rapidly. Thank you to Parasol Corp. and Hope College for offering this special opportunuhhhh yaaa yip yip! 

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