CAMPUSMAIL DISTRIBUTION: The end of the line for line-cutters

CAMPUSMAIL DISTRIBUTION (from Student Development)

Subject: This ends here.

Dear Campus Community,

It has come to our attention that students and faculty alike have been engaging in persistent and harmful acts of misconduct. In a time when almost nothing is certain, every individual should at least be assured that their place in line at Phelps will not be taken. We are shocked and deeply disappointed that line-cutting at the dining hall has become such a pervasive issue. As a people of Hope, we must commit ourselves to curbing this thoughtless behavior.

For this reason, we are issuing an amendment to the Student Handbook, effective immediately. Section I, article L — Dining Services — will now include a provision intended to discourage line-cutting outside of Phelps. Committing such an act will be punishable by death. Please advise that all planned and summary executions will take place on the president’s front lawn during community hour on alternating Thursdays. A second offense will precipitate review by the Student/Faculty Judicial Board and subsequent exorcism of the line-cutting demon from the student’s corpse. If there is a third offense, the student may receive an automatic letter of warning that will be retained in his or her student judicial record. 

We take offenses of this nature very seriously. In order to demonstrate our commitment to stamping out line-cutting at Hope College, Student Life and Student Congress have teamed up to create a Google Form. Students can use this link to log any and all incidences of line-cutting, suspected or substantiated. All reports are anonymous and the details of the incident will remain confidential, even after the perpetrator has been executed. 

Students who witness an act of line-cutting and wish to speak to a psychological counselor may not do so, but will instead be issued a cup of lukewarm milk and a Pillow Pet®. Please advise that resources are low and that requests made after the third week of the semester may not be honored.

Tickets for scheduled executions will be sold on the Events and Conferences website at $25 apiece. Prospective attendees are encouraged to purchase tickets two weeks in advance, as social distancing is enforced and spots fill up quickly! Community members are welcome to attend. Admission for children ages four and younger is included with the purchase of an adult ticket. Recent alumni will receive a 10% discount and a foam finger, compliments of the Hope College Bookstore. 

Students who are wrongfully accused and executed will have their pictures hung in the Hall of the Dearly Departed, located in the basement of the DeWitt Center adjacent to the Milestone office. If more than two weeks of the academic term have elapsed before the scheduled execution, families of the accused are not entitled to tuition reimbursement. Instead, a greeting card signed by Dutch the Dutchman will be mailed to the permanent address of the deceased every year on the anniversary of his or her execution. Students are encouraged to update their emergency contacts and mailing address at their earliest convenience. 

Thank you in advance for your cooperation and compliance. We are in this together! 

Spera in Deo,

Charles Van Der Hoekstra (’08)
Prosecutor of Student Offenders

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