Angry Adam: Why superpowers suck

Most of my time is spent in class, at work or working on homework, and a lot of the time I feel incredibly overwhelmed and unbelievably busy. So, like I assume most people in similar situations do, I kill a lot of time that I’m not busy by watching movies, playing games and reading fun books to distract myself from the tedious monotony and stress that is life. As I was going through my collection of Blu-rays the other day, I realized that I had a large number of Superhero movies, which led me to question, would life be better with a super power? Maybe, but I think it depends on which one.

Super Strength
I know what you’re thinking. “Super strength would be super cool! I’d have rocking abs and big biceps. I could totally go to bodybuilding competitions and I could show everybody how strong and awesome I am. I’d be great at sports like Baseball because I’d always hit home runs. And, I could beat up anybody that threatens me or my family!” Yeah, those sound like great bonuses to life, but none of them are really that important. You see, the worst thing about super strength, is that if you use it once, everybody will immediately know that you have it, and they will all ask you to help them with literally everything. “Hey, I’m moving and we need some help.” Or maybe you’d get someone saying, “Hey, my car broke down so I can’t drive home, can you carry it?” There’s no way you’d get to do anything without feeling like a terrible person.

Super Speed
Man, getting from one place to another super quickly would be a dream. There would be so much more time to do stuff, you wouldn’t need to pay for a car and you’d be awesome at sports. But, super speed is just running really fast, and believe it or not, none of us are in good enough shape to run distances that you see people run in movies and comics. Sometimes the Flash runs over an ocean, which could be over 3000 miles. I don’t think I’ve traveled that distance in the 21 years that I’ve been alive put together. Your legs would probably explode.

Flight
Wouldn’t it be great to get to fly through the air? Imagine the absolute freedom and excitement that soaring through the sky would give you. But there are birds up there! If you thought birds pooped on you a lot before, imagine being the first thing that they could possibly hit. You’re in the buffer area between bird poop and statues. Not to mention plenty of gigantic planes that could fly through you at a moment’s notice, and the drop in air pressure and temperature would leave you feeling awful. You’d probably have to end up flying so low that it really wouldn’t benefit you, you’d just end up being shot by kids with paintball guns. But as a benefit, you can probably pee on people.

Invisibility
This has to be the best power right? You could do whatever you want and get away with it. Rob a bank, get into any concerts or movies for free or just mess with people. But in almost everything that you see there is one fatal flaw with invisibility. Their clothes don’t turn invisible. So sure, you can do everything you want, but you’ll be naked the whole time. And, if you’re reading this, you most likely live in Michigan or somewhere very close. Now imagine you’re outside at a concert, surrounded by plenty of people, naked in one of our winters. Yeah, don’t choose invisibility.

Sure there are plenty of other powers that you could have, but most of them suck. With time control, you’ll probably end up causing a paradox and ensuring you don’t exist. Speaking to animals would get so incredibly annoying after a while. And if you don’t know the issues with shape-shifting, that’s a you thing. Don’t hope for super powers, enjoy your life the way it is, it can’t be that bad.