Amber Ramble: Editors sell organs for Ranchor funding

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

(Odyssey)

After a round of budget concerns and death threats, the resident editors of The Ranchor have been forced to turn to grisly means. Cost of printing, mailing and editor end-of-semester stipends weighs down our yearly budget, and with interest in print journalism in decline, income is hard to come by. Although many methods and fund raising ideas were tossed around and multiple polls were launched via Twitter, very few of the ideas were likely to receive uplifting results except for one: selling our organs over the black market.

This was, by no means, an easy decision for any of us. Firstly, none of us had any clue as to how the black market worked. After some extensive research over Le Google, we gained some valuable insight about the black market and how it works.

Dress in all black and wear cool sunglasses
To sell exclusive organs with the cool kids, you have to blend in with the cool kids. Since the majority, if not all, of the editors on staff are giant nerds, it’s not an easy task. A pitch black, mafia-style suit could help portray a cool-dude, don’t-mess-with-me attitude, but the outfit might give away your less-than-legal intentions.

Masquerade as a farmer’s market
Is there a better way to get customers than to have some fresh fruits and veggies on the standby? If some customers aren’t interested in purchasing chilled organs, maybe some sweet pomegranates would help to bring in a little profit.

Rent out a cozy alleyway
A nice, secluded alley can help to really cultivate the “shadow market” atmosphere. Nothing says “grab some tasty organs” like creepy alleyway. While an alleyway might not be the safest place to host a market, we’ll all most likely be on our way to death if we’re missing a few organs.

Research non-essential organs
While we are desperate for all the cash we can get our hands on, it is somewhat required for editors to be mostly alive in order to still be employed by the college. It would be a bit difficult to continue churning out articles if our editors are literally lacking a heart. Non-essential organs to consider donating to the great cause of Money include a kidney, an eye, an appendix or a spleen.

We at The Ranchor are dedicated to devoting everything—literally everything— we have to the journalist cause.