Amber Ramble: an open apology on behalf of my music habits

Most of the people who know me have grown accustomed to an unpleasant aspect of my personality: I listen to my music at full blast. When my earbuds are in, be assured that I cannot hear a single word you’ve said. My habit of playing my music at full volume is tied to a horribly ironic cycle of not being able to fully hear my music, turning up my music to its maximum volume, which in turn worsens my hearing so that I can only hear it while on maximum volume. It’s a sad life I lead, but my friends have it worse.

To my roommates, whom I have, on multiple occasions, completely ignored:
It’s not you, it’s me – is that cliche to say? I know it must hurt when you can bike past me on the sidewalk, mere inches from my side, without getting even a glimmer of recognition from me. It’s not that I’m ignoring you but that I am actually dead to everything going on around me. When my headphones are in, just assume that my mind is currently trapped in another world. While I already avoid eye contact due to Social AnxietyTM, music makes it even easier to completely block out all of human existence. On the rare occasions that I actually see you and wave, I apologize for my lack of ability to hear a single word you say. In my rush to pause my music, I will most likely say “What?!” about five times. Please be patient, although I can’t promise I’ll be able to hear what you say even with my music off. What you say does matter to me, but my ears are slow in getting the message. It’s an issue I’ll have to work on, as requiring three attempts at grabbing my attention is ridiculous. My music habits exceed merely ignoring others. It also seems that my headphones are not fit to contain the unhealthy volume within my own ears. My main purpose for wearing headphones is generally to spare others from my odd music choices, but I have come to learn that they have failed their one job. So on top of completely ignoring my roommates, they are also forced to listen to my weird YouTube obsessions. Woops.

To my classmates who had the courage to say hi outside of class:

I’m not too cool for you, I promise! If I had seen you wave from across the Pine Grove or make direct eye contact, your lips seeming to match the patterns of either “Hello” or “Jello,” I would have been more than willing to make the effort towards forming lasting friendships. Instead, my resting face of indifference may have been a bit off-putting. On a related note, I apologize for the speed at which I put back on my headphones and resume my music after class ends. If you had planned on talking to me after class, it might seem like I’m trying to block you out. Feel free to tap my on the shoulder— if I know you’re trying to have a conversation with me, it won’t be too much of a bother to delay my sick tunes.

To Dan:

I know that our banter can sometimes border on abusive, but it is, for the most part, all meant in good fun. However, I know that ignoring you for two minutes while you walked right beside me next to the Pine Grove might have sent the wrong message. Honesty, it’s a miracle that I even managed to hear you mutter, “Ah, she can’t hear me; she has headphones on.” You should probably be honored.

In conclusion, to myself:
In order to remedy my wrongs and ignore people less, I only have two options: get my hearing checked or invest in heavy duty headphones. If someone’s ears are going to be pummeled with loud music, it might as well be me.

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