Brexit: A painfully bitter break-up

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

CUTTING THE TIES — The United Kingdom voted to exit the European Union after one negotiation too many. (Castle Report)

In a cottage far, far away, there once was a fraternity named “Europe-pia”, who had many members that would argue and argue often over their tiniest peeves. Many small bickerings (WWI) lead to one mean fight (WWII), which, one day in 1950, made all the guys (Germany, France, Belgium, Netherlands, Italy and Luxembourg) decide to grow up and act like adults.

Six years later, these guys were tired of buying their own groceries, so they created a pact called the European Economic Community (EEC) to allow each other to trade their necessities, such as soda, mac n’ cheese and toilet paper.

After many years of this tight-knit European bond, several other guys wanted to join, especially this small, wimpy and insecure freshman named United Kingdom (UK for short).

By 1993, this fraternity grew so connected that they became the European Union (EU) and created their traditional haze called the Maastrict, which involved hot dogs.

Anyway, because mac n’ cheese wasn’t enough to sustain this fraternity’s needs, they became more inclusive to trade and share many other things such as Red Bull, shampoo and dish soap to keep this brotherhood strong. While the European fraternity added many more qualified guys, their bond grew stronger.

To put order into their cottage, they decided to create a joint piggy bank that was displayed in the center of their living room. Even though everyone shared this piggy bank, not every guy had a job at McDonald’s and earned the same amount of money. However, this piggy bank provided a common cash bank for their cottage, where the common currency was the Euro.

With so many guys under the same roof, sharing one piggy bank, called the European Central Bank, became difficult, as nobody agreed on anything.
Three boys in particular decided to take out their own currencies. These guys, more specifically Denmark, UK and Sweden, squeezed their way out of the Euro currency and into their own currencies.

However, they were still responsible for contributing to the bills for running the EU frat-house. This central piggy bank was to blame for the economic debt in 2008, when the wealthier guys such as the UK, could pay this fee much easier than those less fortunate students within the EU. Because of this unnecessary fee, these unfortunate boys started mooching off of UK.

With UK’s sheltered and insecure background, he became intimidated by his showering requests of his brothers.

As UK became wealthier after working his long hours at McDonald’s, he became pressured by his father and mother, England and Wales, to leave the EU fraternity, but his aunt and uncle, Scotland and Ireland, really wanted him to fulfill the EU destiny in their family tree.

The EU fraternity house started to deteriorate with structural issues such as leaking sinks, electric fuses, and frequent WI-FI disconnections, but they suffered together.

It was not until 2015, that UK decided to take a stand. He did not want to live through these poor conditions anymore. By doing so, his pet squirrel, David Cameron, inspired him to hold a referendum in 2016 to determine if he should break-up with his frat.

While UK was still on the fence with his decision, after making a pro-cons list and talking to himself for hours, he found that 52 percent of his reasons for leaving the fraternity were more beneficial than the remaining 48 percent.

Meanwhile, UK is still having his doubts for whether or not he made the right choice, which lead to his grades dropping due to all his stress. UK recently found a new pet squirrel, named Theresa May. She hasn’t been helping him feel good about his choice. In addition, he’s having trouble making new friends, since he’s only hung out with his fraternity, who are now giving him crap for his departure. Sorry UK, break-ups are never easy.