*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*
British novelist, J.K. Rowling, not even close to finishing the franchise that sparked millions of imaginations
J.K. Rowling: the author who will write about Harry Potter for the rest of her life. Rowling announced last week that she plans to make five movies surrounding “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” along with 45 more books that span every generation in Harry’s family until the apocalypse.
Fans have many opinions about this decision. “It makes so much sense, because our world has too much pain and suffering,” Uno Hombre, an ultimate fan, stated. “As more books and movies come out, we will end up more immersed in the wizarding world than real life. I’m so excited to know Harry’s descendants better than my own!”
Now Rowling is trying to expand the Harry Potter universe through as many mediums as possible, including a world-wide television channel that reads the books aloud on repeat and universities where students can major in magical education.
“Students will be able to earn a Ph.D. to teach Harry Potter to future generations,” Dr. Jones, a chemistry professor and avid Potter fan at Yale, said. “I have high hopes it will become a core requirement for most curriculums. Personally, I’m hoping to figure out the Draught of Living Death potion soon; I think I’m on to something!”
Not only is Rowling trying to increase her audience, but fans cannot hear the story enough times. Daniel Radcliffe, who played Potter in the movies, has let slip one new project that is in the works, much to his followers’ delight. On Instagram, he posted a picture with Rowling at a buffet-style restaurant, both smiling and sending the cameraman a thumbs-up. “I can’t wait for you all to experience the new 4-D movies; you can smell each plate of food in the Great Hall!” the caption read.
Rumor has it there will also be an entire island in the Atlantic devoted to Harry Potter, where people can pay their life savings to live in isolation from everyone, pretending sticks are actually wands. More obsessive fans would rather spend their lifetime reading Rowling’s books than interacting with humans anyway, so it all works out. The author and her fans will continue to take the world by storm until every human on the planet has read at least all seven of the original books.
Besides knowing an unlimited amount about the world she has created, Rowling talks to her characters on a daily basis. Dumbledore is her go-to when she needs life advice and Hermione edits all of her novels and scripts. The impoverished writer is always in need of more money to afford travel costs to visit each of them on a yearly basis.
“I’ll admit,” Rowling said through a megaphone on the top of Big Ben to an adoring crowd last Saturday. “I’m probably going to pass away before the books are finished. But Harry will be around to finish writing them himself; he’s officially immortal.”
Part two of “Fantastic Beasts” is set to come out in 2018.
There is still no knowledge of what the other films will be about, but if they include Eddie Redmayne, like “Fantastic Beasts,” there will be no complaints from this Potter fan and journalist. In fact, give us more dashing wizards.