*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*
Saturday Night Live (SNL), comedic brain-child of Lorne Michaels, is a late-night live sketch comedy and variety show that has entertained the American public since 1975. However, as Saturday night fell and a new day dawned, an unexpected attack occurred that shook the core of everyone who still had a sense of humor. The resident comedians awoke from their slumber safe within NBC Network’s cocoon to find the windows obscured with a sudden darkness. Someone had built a wall, and not even SNL’s sharp wit could break through its barrier.
On Oct. 15, SNL’s episode parodying the presidential debate hit television and computer screens across the globe, and the very next morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Drumpf hit all of Twitter with his newest holy proclamation.
“Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me. Time to retire the boring and unfunny show,” Drumpf threatened, cracking his supernaturally small knuckles in preparation of his first pre-presidential action.
His campaign gathered around him, begging their Supreme overlord to rethink his actions. Drumpf had both said and done crazy things in the past, but his campaign members feared that an attack on one of America’s most beloved comedy shows would be too great an error for even a goliath like Drumpf to brush off his shoulders.
Construction on a new wall began as soon as Drumpf finished his routine bathroom Twitter tirade, with his carefully chosen workers, who will most likely never get paid, working against the clock to seal comedy in before Drumpf’s election could deteriorate any further.
“Everyone was screaming; the women were screaming, the men were screaming- even the walls were screaming as Drumpf’s tiny fist seemed to smother us all. Bobby Moynihan lay collapsed in a heap, still mumbling that ‘he always did love real estate, he loved it so much, he…’ None of us saw it coming,” Kate McKinnon said, still dressed in her Hillary Pantsuit for good luck.
The nation’s best scientists are hard at work in an attempt to figure out what joke exactly blew Drumpf’s fuse. SNL’s previous taunts that Drumpf’s supporters were racist had garnered little reaction from the legend himself, so it is still unclear what finally broke through the presidential candidate’s incredibly thick skin. Not known for being particularly sensitive, such an extreme move like building a wall surprised political tacticians around the world.
Construction of the wall enclosing the comedians continues, and slowly but surely, the sun’s guiding light is blocked out. Many SNL actors search desperately for a way to appease Drumpf’s fury, and suddenly the answer becomes clear. The cast of SNL must offer a human sacrifice: Alec Baldwin.
“I honestly don’t know why it took us so long to come up with this solution,” Kenan Thompson said. “It’s obvious that Baldwin’s incredibly accurate portrayal of Donald is what sent him over the edge. I mean, of course we don’t want to kill the guy… but it’s him or us man. We gotta do what we gotta do.”
Drumpf, secretly hiding in the SNL building like an undercover boss, gazed on in glee as the cast began a search for Baldwin in preparation of SNL’s first human sacrifice. Disguised as an inconspicuous businessman who only got a small loan of a million dollars from his father, Drumpf smiled and chuckled to himself, “Not so small now, am I?” His hands lay hidden in his jacket pockets, as their size was one of the things he was most sensitive about.