What’s all the hubbub, bub: soccer edition

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

I dunno man, a lot of stuff has been going on, especially since the summer transfer window. Here’s what’s up.

Paul Pogba

Paul Pogba
The man who shattered the transfer window over a fee of €105 million.
The man who won over three Serie A titles does not seem to translate that same form into the premier league so far this season. He currently has one goal in nine games for Manchester United, and from what we can tell, it seems that the only thing he knows how to do on the field is dab. If Pogba invested as much in training as he does into his loud, overpriced and ridiculous haircuts, then maybe he would be in better form this season. Paul Pogba right now makes Lord Bendtner look like Cristiano Ronaldo.

I don’t blame him that much though, when one has been put in a situation where he has to follow the great legacy of Paul Scholes, a Man United legend, most normal people would fall short. To the people who do believe Pogba is on track to match Scholes’ legacy, We say this; Scholes could walk through a field full of human refuse, scrape the end of his shoes after the walk, flick it on a wall, and that little insignificant flick of human waste would have a better legacy than Pogba currently does for Manchester United. We personally think his sole reason for coming back to Manchester isn’t a story of redemption, but a story as to him wanting to be the most expensive transfer. Hash tag Pogback for all we care should be more like Hashtag Pogbye.

In simple terms, when blessed with an ‘ogba’, choose Drogba and not Pogba.

(Henrikh Mkhitaryan)

Henrikh Mkhitaryan
Henrikh Mkhitaryan. Nope, that’s too hard to spell. Let’s try spelling that phonetically. Henrik Mickitarian. Let’s just call him Mickey.

After a 23-goal scoring season with Borussia Dortmund, Mickey entered Old Trafford with high expectations. This is a guy who made 51 appearances last season, but how many has he claimed for United? Five. What’s up with that, José Mourinho? While it’s obvious that Mourinho has some issues with favoritism, what beef could he possibly have with good ol’ Mickey Mouse over here? Then again, he did hate the Juan and only Mata, one of the most likable people in the world of football (second only to Kaká).

(Chris Smalling/Daley Blind)

Chris Smalling/Daley Blind
Man United’s defense is seen to be too Small and too Blind to perform in the big games. They learned that the hard way in recent games.

(Fat Higuain)

Fat Higuain
The man who broke the Serie A scoring record last season made no haste to stab Napoli fans in the back and move to their archrivals Juventus. Higuain has been tagged as a National tragedy, as he always does well in league games but fails internationally. Higuain is like a lion with club games, and a house cat with international ones. Saying he put on weight this summer would be the understatement of the year. Couple that with the black and white Juventus jerseys, and you have a fat zebra on the field. It’s almost like he wanted to be used in memes.

(Christian Pulisic)

Christian Pulisic
All aboard the hype train. This 18-year-old wunderkind is well on his way to becoming the most anticipated player in American history. Look at him. The kid is making first-team appearances for Dortmund, and scoring. In the Champion’s League. And he’s scored for the United States Men’s National Team. Some are even going to the extent of comparing him to old man Landon Donovan, AKA Landy Cakes, back when he was an up-and-comer. But not now. The balding former-retired, now un-retired player is recorded as saying, “I mean, he’s alright.”

Alright, we get it. It’s a bad idea to build up such a young player. Shall we take a moment to remember the tale of Freddie Adu? Hype him up all you want, but statistically, he ain’t goin’ no where. Say goodbye to the Bundesliga, golden boy, because you’re likely headed stateside.

(Juan Mata)

Juan Mata
The Chosen Juan. Juan Mata narrowly escaped the clutches of the infamous Jose Mourinho in 2014. Congratulations Mata, you played yourself.

(Memphis Depay)

Memphis Depay
An interesting thing about soccer is that teams do not retire players numbers. However, they do give certain numbers to players to carry on the greatness that comes with it. A perfect example is Manchester United’s number 7. It has gone through some of the greatest names to ever wear it on their backs. People like George Best, Eric Cantona and David Beckham are a few to mention, but in recent years, the number has been tarnished and insulted.

From Ashley Young, to Angel Di Maria, but the worst so far has to be the current holder, Memphis Depay. Memphis came in with all the hype from the Dutch league as he guided PSV to a successful season in 2014. 2015, however, he was a big flop under Louis Van Gaal. He also was in the media for bad reasons, as he disrespected Robin van Persie. During the Dutch stint at the Euro qualifiers, he and RVP got into an argument on the pitch, where RVP, a veteran player told Memphis he “feels like a big boy,” to which Memphis took a dig at RVP and said, “Big boys don’t play for Fenerbache,” the club Van Persie plays for.

(Mario Götze)

Mario Götze
Lo and behold, the return of the fangirl-favorite bromance known only as “Götzeus.” If you haven’t heard of that term, don’t look it up, unless you’re really into reading some weird stuff. Yeah, we’ll leave it at that.

This, of course, is the shipped name for the extreme friendship between Mario Götze and Marco Reus. In 2013, Götze, with his enlarged ego, decided to break all laws of loyalty and left Dortmund for Bayern Munich, stabbing his supposed best friend in the back. But look who came back, crawling like a wounded animal. Okay, welcome home. Just realize that if you dare betray Reus again, you will incur the wrath of ‘Die Schwarzgelben.’

This past year in soccer (or football, for you snobby Americans who think you’re being hipster and cool and refuse to like things like Major League Soccer and marshmallows probably) has been a riot. Look at these guys.
We did not cover women’s soccer in this story for the sole purpose that we didn’t want Hope Solo to beat us and call us cowards. Also, Abby Wambach.
There are still two months left in this year, so who knows what the heck will happen next. But one thing is for certain: we’ve definitely got a lot to look forward to. Keep an ear to the ground for more news.