Amber Ramble: Top seven things better than finals

Finals are upon us, the gruesome period of all-nighters and post-procrastination regret that all students come to fear. As judgment day looms ever closer, let’s step back and appreciate all of the things that are better than finals.

The smell of burnt popcorn
That sweet smell that often occurs from over-trusting the popcorn button on the microwave and failing to listen for the last pop signifying completion, the smell that only causes a touch of bile to rise to your throat, is enough to distract your mind from finals long enough to put this failure of a meal where it really belongs: straight into the trash.

Sweaters made of actual needles
Think of those cozy knitted sweaters, the ones whose sleeves are long enough to completely hide your hands from view. Think of the sweaters that appear to be composed entirely of clouds and angels’ tears, and imagine instead a sweater that is literally made of piercing needles that have been dosed with an excruciatingly painful but not fatal poison. That sweater, believe it or not, is still better than finals.

A burrito found on a Walmart’s parking lot
I would trust very few things found in the parking lot of a Walmart, but my physical and mental state after eating a questionable, mud-covered(hopefully it’s mud), Walmart parking lot burrito would be more stable than my physical and mental state will be leading up to and during finals week. Why eat a suspicious parking lot burrito, you ask? It’s inevitable food poisoning just might be my temporary ticket away from the madness of finals.

Realizing you need to write a five-page paper the morning it’s due
There’s nothing like the feeling of waking up at noon on a Wednesday with the warm brush of sun rays on your cheeks to the abrupt and crushing realization that a five-page paper is due in less than two hours for the class that you had already been struggling in. This realization and subsequent stumbling through your apartment half naked towards your computer, completely ignoring your housemates afternoon greetings, is more similar to a calm day spent relaxing with no stress in comparison to the nonstop hustle and bustle of the approaching finals week.

Political discussions restricted to family holiday dinners
The undisputed best place to host intense political discussions between family members is around the dinner table during Thanksgiving, right? At least, this political hotspot will seem like a weekend in paradise when contrasted with the hellish elements of finals.

Tracheotomies
Embrace finals or have an incision made in your windpipe to clear a breathing obstruction? I think the answer is pretty clear.

Having an eight-hour receptionist shift, with no calls
Nothing is better than staring into the void for eight hours, waiting in vain for the phone to ring, leading to an eventual questioning of what is real and what is not.

Am I real? Was human existence a fabrication of a deeply-perverse being created to keep our feeble minds engaged? Do I really work here or did I accidentally wander behind this desk in a fugue state and claim it as my own, and the other employees were too nice to tell me otherwise? While, after eight hours of radio silence, nothing seems real, at least it is a break from the memory of finals.

After all, if I don’t really exist, then neither do my upcoming academic responsibilities.