Amber Ramble: Five easy steps toward binge-watching your life away

What is college for? If you answered personal enrichment or gaining more knowledge in a desired subject, you would be wrong! College is for devoting unhealthy amounts of your day to devouring hours upon hours of television series, with little regard to your own well being or responsibilities. Have a paper to write, reading to finish or a job to attend? Forget about it! It’s time to make all of your responsibilities disappear (figuratively) and get lost in whatever series your heart desires.

Step 1: Start a new series on the worst day possible: Sunday. Sundays are the days you use to lie to yourself on Friday nights and Saturdays, the day you claim you’ll be productive on. Life is rife with disappointments, so give in to the inevitable curse of laziness and choose a new series to binge, or find one you failed to watch when it first aired. You could always extend your lie of productivity to Monday morning.

Step 2: Spend any and all free hours between classes to watch the next episode (or two or three…) of your current binge-show. Only have an hour for lunch or dinner? Watch an episode while you eat. Thought you might spend your free time getting ahead on some homework? Get your hopes up early and just give in to devoting all free time to finishing another season.

Step 3: Start a reward system. Love binge-watching but not happy with your levels of productivity? Start rewarding the amount of work you do with another episode of your binge-show. Finished a section of reading? Watch an episode. Made some flashcards? Watch an episode. Wrote a paragraph of writing for a ten page paper? Watch an episode. Afterall, a little productivity is undeniably better than no productivity at all.

Step 4: Become a master of deception and find a way to binge-watch your show during class. It will capitalize on all of that wasted time spent getting an education. Perhaps invest in a hat from the 90’s that incorporated hidden headphones and wear that hat to every class, regardless of how hideous it might be. Pretend to take notes on your laptop when in fact you are binge-watching another episode of your show. Have another window of pseudo-notes actually ready so that you can easily switch between screens in the event that your professor gets to close to discovering your scheme.

Step 5: Stare at the wreckage of your college education, your GPA and class scores scattered around you in a sea of fire and poor decisions. Your mom is on hold, crying on the other end, unable to understand how you went downhill so fast. You can’t even begin to explain your actions, so you keep her on hold as your grip on reality slowly slips from your cold, trembling hands. You start reading up on temporal physics and discover a theoretical way to time travel. The method is untested and could end in a tortuous demise, but you have no other options.

You take the leap, and end up back before everything went wrong. You see your younger self opening up Netflix for the first time about to decide on a new show. You grab the laptop and throw it out the window; you think you fixed what once went wrong and can finally go home, to the life you should have had in the first place.

However, your tampering of the timeline made it so you would never try to travel back in time in the first place, and thus you cease to exist.