Klompen dancers are a bit heartbroken but chill
The city of Holland has asked The Anchor to include a brief news update. The deeply loved festival, Tulip Time, will not be happening this year. You can put away your clogs and your craving for carnival food, because there is just no time for tulips this year. The mayor of Holland, Nancy DeBoer, arose from her bed this past Saturday to flurries of snow in her backyard. She hurried to the window, and her gut began to tell her the heartbreaking but inevitable truth: The tulips will be frozen.
After DeBoer’s depressing face to face moment with the never ending winter, she called local weathermen and women who confirmed her suspicions. The tulips will not be coming out this year. Forecasts say that the clouds will not be departing for weeks and the ground may not unfreeze until late next fall, just in time for it to freeze again. For those of you who fancy colorful tulips blooming their way across Holland, you will have to have some patience. Scientists from Hope’s campus have done some research on the subject. Specifically, Dr. Quinteth Stevenson says, “You see, when it’s below zero, it’s not just the precipitation and the ground that freeze. No, there is a much deeper ice that accumulates in layers beneath the surface. These sheets of ice essentially murder any chance of tulip buds making their way to the fresh air. Even if the sun comes out and you think the snow is thawing, those layers take much longer to thaw. The tulips were in fact nipped in the bud.”
Every year at this renowned event, Dutch “Klompen dancers” frolic through the streets. Their celebratory dancing is one of the best parts of the festival. When the news of the cancellation was exposed to the public, the young Dutch dancers broke into tears. “The tulip time parade is essentially what I’m made for. Yeah. I was made for klomping. Performing a kick line for the people of Holland has always been the highlight of my year. If you ask me, Calvin froze the tulips,” Klompen Dancer 23 said. It is clear that these dancers are the heart and soul of Tulip Time. One has to wonder if perhaps Calvin did play a role in the freezing of the flowers. Klompen Dancer 17 was beyond distress. This young man was interviewed between violent sobs and distress. He explained, “I am in love with Klompen Dancer 18 but she didn’t know I existed until our rehearsals started. I was looking forward to finally finding love at Tulip Time this year.” There are plenty of conspiracy theories being thrown around about the hows and whys of the decision. The most prominent belief is that Michigan is trapped inside some kind of snow-globe-like dome, being controlled by an outside source. No matter the reason, it is the job of Hope College students to the bottom of it.