Trump battles Putin in rock, paper, scissors

President Trump and Russian  President Vladimir Putin, decided to settle their recent crossroads over the Russian meddling  in the 2016 U.S. election in a classic battle of rock, paper, scissors.  Prior to the event, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement saying, “President Trump is honored and thrilled to engage in this battle. Although most of his advisors suggested a direct military strike, the president saw this as a huuuuuge step toward a more peaceful relationship with Russia.” The battle ended with  Putin winning with a final scissors move to surpass Trump’s  paper and the discussion behind what all this actually means has begun. Many foreign delegates and leaders gathered to witness the historical battle between the  two global superpowers. General Secretary Xi Jinping, of  China was surprisingly in attendance and seemed very thrilled  after Putin’s victory. The Official Falsified Media Council of the  U.S. (OFMCUS) released several articles suggesting that Jinping had been endorsing Putin’s  training and flying out the top Rock, Paper, Scissors coaches in the world. Although there has  yet to be any actual reports of aftermath of the battle, OFMCUS  has reported that Russia now officially owns all U.S. centered goods like bourbon, Ford cars, Kraft Mac N’ Cheese and the state of Alaska.

However, the battle did not end in the toddler-esque fit most viewers expected, but rather in a long and sincere hug between  the opponents. Trump and Putin seemed to genuinely cradle  each other as they whispered in each other’s ears. Before the two parted, they held each other at a  distance, gazing into each other’s eyes with a sense of overall  agreement. Both neglected to comment following the match  and there has yet to be any concrete speculation over what Putin’s victory will mean for the future of the U.S. In reaction to the battle, former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin released a statement saying, “Years ago, I verbalized now one of the most commonly referred to political jokes in saying ‘I can see Russia from my house.’ I now proudly stand by myself because soon, Alaska will be part of Russia! Jokes on you world, Palin for President 2020.”

In a turn of events, many celebrities have reached out on social media in support of the nonviolent battle. Most remarkably,  Kanye West and Taylor Swift retweeted Trump’s post battle  tweet: “I just want to take a moment to congratulate my country’s new friend, President Putin,  on his courageous performance.  I also want to congratulate myself for being amazing. Everyone  is the best, but America is first. If you disagree with me, you are  a loser and I vote you off the island.” The rival celebrities seem  to have buried the hatchet in order to advocate for solving disputes through childish games of  luck.

Overall, no one is entirely  sure where this newfound connection will take us, but many  have said that it could either be incredibly beneficial or severely  detrimental. Only time will allow history to be written.

Sophia Vander Kooy ('20) is a political science and international studies major with an unofficial passion for taking creative writing classes. She was the Production Manager at the Anchor during the spring semester of 2020, and previously served as the Editor-in-Chief. She is also a member of the Women's Track and Cross Country teams at Hope, the STEP Community Outreach Student Director and the Co-President of Hope Yoga. Sophia loves writing, being outside, cooking, running and connecting with all kinds of people. She has found the space to be herself at The Anchor and knows that she is not alone in that.

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