New Clinton email revelations

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

BILL AND HILL — These two lovely folks may very be the first married couple to both lead our great nation. (CNN)

In the latest Wikileaks’ release of 2016 Democratic party presidential nominee and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails, allegations that Secretary Clinton had voted for Donald Trump were confirmed. In an email exchange between Mr. and Mrs. Clinton that was dated to have occurred in late September, both of the Clintons professed their admiration of presidential nominee Drumpf’s “impressive” use of the social media platform Twitter.

“He really lets ‘em have it,” former president Clinton said, complementing Drumpf on his online treatment of opponents. In the same email to his wife, former president Clinton stated that “he agreed with Drumpf’s assessment of former Miss Universe Alicia Machado,” adding that the weight gain “wouldn’t stop me from offering to give her a ‘private’ tour of the White House. I like them a little plump anyways, as you already know ;).”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton agreed with her husband on both issues, wishing that “[she] was better with the Twitter thing,” and agreeing with her husband that “although Miss Universe Machado may not be up to Donald’s standards, I would totally ask her to come over to the White House for what the kids call a “netflix and chill” sesh.”

In the subsequent emails, former secretary Clinton changed the subject to the upcoming election, voicing her concerns about Drumpf’s policies and how they would affect the vast majority of her wealthy donors. Hillary Clinton commented in an email to her husband that “although our most important constituents wouldn’t be happy with a Drumpf victory, I’d really like to see a wall.” The vast majority of Clinton’s campaign contributions have come from donations through super pacs and other groups with deep pockets, causing some to raise concern over Hillary’s true motives.

Emails related to the Clinton campaign have been released by the organization Wikileaks almost daily for the last two weeks. This latest addition to the growing cache of Clinton related emails gives readers an inside look at the Clinton family and their thoughts on the increasingly crazy campaign cycle.

Both major party’s candidates have been marred by scandals, but the most recent emails released may spell the end of the Clinton campaign.
Telling his wife in an email dated from Oct. 24, former President Bill Clinton told his wife that he “would sadly be crossing over to the dark side by voting for Republican presidential nominee Donald Drumpf.” This shocking revelation was only met with sympathy from Secretary Clinton, stating that “[she], too, would vote for Trump if those damn secret service spooks would stop following her.” Former secretary Clinton also told her husband that she agreed with many of Drumpf’s ideas because of how popular they were among the “deplorable” demographics.

“He really knows how to get a crowd going Bill,” Hillary told her husband in an email concerning Drumpf’s rallies. “If only I could get my crowds going like his do, only over amnesty for undocumented workers and higher tax rates for the wealthy, I’d be in great shape!” Clinton’s rallies do not draw nearly as many attendants as Drumpf’s, but luckily not as few as “low-energy” Republican presidential nominee hopeful Jeb Bush. Hillary Clinton went on to praise Drumpf’s debates performances, calling herself lucky that her opponent “didn’t bring up anything about the Haiti aid money our foundation absconded with or one of the numerous scandals we ‘allegedly’ participated in back before Clinton Foundation took care of our day to day spending needs.”

Former president Clinton responded by praising Drumpf for calling him out on his adulteration, reminiscing about how “it really helped me fit in with all the other congressmen and Capitol Hill regulars.” Former president Clinton went on to elaborate how he and former congressman Anthony Wiener often exchanged methods of how they both pretended to hide their numerous affairs from their unconcerned, power-hungry wives.
Neither Bill nor Hillary have commented about these new emails and it is highly doubtful that either of them ever will.