After years of pretending to be a small Netherlandish city within the continental U.S., the Hollanders of Michigan have decided enough is enough and are seceding from the United States. Hollanders are seeking to be permitted as a territory of the Netherlands and enter rule of Queen Máxima and King Willem Alexander. The monarchy has released a statement saying, “We are happy to welcome our American kin back into the arms of the ever abundant Netherlandish rule and we look forward to many years of celebrating windmills, tulips and black licorice.”
Holland Mayor Nancy DeBoer, the prime spokesperson and main advocate for the secession, released a statement saying, “The road ahead of us Hollanders may be rough, but it is nothing compared to the roads we have traveled. Through mockery and belittlement from the rest of our ex-nation, we will finally be able to celebrate our tulips and Dutch pastries to the upmost degree.” Although DeBoer is backed by many of the millionaire families surrounding West Michigan, critics of the secession have taken to the streets in protest.
Zeeland and Calvin College are taking the advantage of the protests and warmly welcoming any citizens of Holland that are seeking to maintain their U.S. citizenship.
However, a recent poll asking “Are you in favor of Holland seceding from the U.S.?” taken on the Hope College campus reported that 87 percent of students said yes, 10 percent didn’t know what “seceding” meant, and 3 percent said “maybe.” The results of this vote could in part be due to the promise of Queen Máxima and King Willem Alexander to give all students free tuition but could also be due to the fact that the Peanut Store will be expanding to eleven new locations within the Hope campus, one in each dorm and one on top of the Jim and Martie Bultman Student Center. DeBoer has suggested that the secession reviles Brexit in historical significance. In a recent interview, she revealed that her only real concern with the secession is the trading routes that will be relocated through the Great Lakes into the Atlantic Ocean through corn powered fuel, because ships fueled by corn have not yet been invented. However, the monarchy and the mayor are hopeful that the rest of the U.S. will have no opinion.