Holland announces secession from U.S.

NEW RULERS OF HOLLAND — The King and Queen are
first moving to make the Pine Grove a national park. (Curacao Chronicle)

After years of pretending to be a small Netherlandish city within the continental U.S., the Hollanders of Michigan have decided enough is enough and are seceding from the United States. Hollanders are seeking to be permitted as a territory of the Netherlands and enter rule of  Queen Máxima and King Willem Alexander. The monarchy  has released a statement saying, “We are happy to welcome  our American kin back into the  arms of the ever abundant Netherlandish rule and we look forward to many years of celebrating windmills, tulips and black  licorice.”

Holland Mayor Nancy DeBoer, the prime spokesperson  and main advocate for the secession, released a statement  saying, “The road ahead of us Hollanders may be rough, but it is nothing compared to the roads we have traveled. Through mockery and belittlement from  the rest of our ex-nation, we will finally be able to celebrate our tulips and Dutch pastries to the  upmost degree.” Although DeBoer is backed by many of the  millionaire families surrounding  West Michigan, critics of the secession have taken to the streets  in protest.

Zeeland and Calvin College are taking the advantage of the protests and warmly welcoming any citizens of Holland that are seeking to maintain their U.S. citizenship.

However, a recent poll asking “Are you in favor of Holland  seceding from the U.S.?” taken on the Hope College campus  reported that 87 percent of students said yes, 10 percent didn’t  know what “seceding” meant, and 3 percent said “maybe.” The results of this vote could in part  be due to the promise of Queen  Máxima and King Willem Alexander to give all students free tuition but could also be due to the  fact that the Peanut Store will be  expanding to eleven new locations within the Hope campus,  one in each dorm and one on  top of the Jim and Martie Bultman Student Center.  DeBoer has suggested that the secession reviles Brexit in  historical significance. In a recent interview, she revealed that  her only real concern with the secession is the trading routes that will be relocated through  the Great Lakes into the Atlantic Ocean through corn powered  fuel, because ships fueled by corn have not yet been invented. However, the monarchy and the mayor are hopeful that the rest of the U.S. will have no opinion.