New info on why Old Kletz was closed

In spring 2017, it was believed that the Old Kletz Market was closed due to financial cuts to clear budget room for the new Kletz Market that is housed in the Bultman Student Center. However, contrary to popular belief, this was not the case. A small nesting of spiders in a secluded corner of the Old Kletz’s kitchen area was left unchecked for months on months. Nobody even noticed it until about midway through winter break of the 2016-17 school year. By then, however, it was much too late.

The spiders had taken a stronghold in the area, and due to the fact that they had been isolated from human contact for such a long time, they were able to grow both in strength and number, while staying the same size. This allowed them to stay out of sight. “We knew we had a really big problem on our hands as soon as we got back on campus for the beginning of spring semester,” said Judy McTuliman, who is a super-super-senior who worked in the kitchen at that time.“Initially, we tried to deal with it on our own, but as our methods got more extreme and the results didn’t follow, it became clear that we were going to need the big guns.” According to McTuliman, workers in the Old Kletz tried everything they could to control the population of mutant spiders which, at that point, had begun to spread.

The workers started off just trying to step on them, but after one of them lost their pinky toe to a spider bite, they resorted to more extreme methods. “Baseball bats, meat cleavers, broccoli from Phelps… whatever we could get our hands on. Once Jimmy got bit, it became about survival,” said McTuliman. “We couldn’t afford to be scared – all we could do was listen to some G-Eazy to get pumped up, then we did what we had to do.” As time went on, the college finally got involved. Once this happened, containment became a two-fold job. Workers were expected to contain the spread of the population, while also containing the details of the situation. Anybody who leaked details of what was really going on risked being permanently banished, not just from Hope College, but all of Ottawa County, MI.

The stakes were extremely high. It is said that this was the fate of former student Smitty VanWermenshanken, who tried to bring to light the perilous day-to-day lives of these college students who just wanted to serve up some grilled cheese dunkers. We were unable to contact VanWermenshanken for comment, despite multiple attempts to reach him. Vanwermenshanken’s family has also been difficult to contact, as they seem to have moved outof-state and destroyed any and all records of the Hudsonville home that they once owned. As the spring semester of the 2017 school year neared its end, the college decided that Old Kletz was going to have to be shut down completely.

The Board of Trustees had initially voted to turn it into a 24- hour Euchre center, but that plan was scrapped after three more workers lost their pinky toes while battling the eight-legged freaks. This was considered classified information – and it still is. If I disappear, know that I did it for you all, the readers. Be sure to be careful if you ever find yourself in the Old Kletz; they never were able to fully control the spiders…

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