Harmful substance created to improve future

LAKE MACATAWA REAPS CONSEQUENCES — Holland resident takes matters into his own hands. (Stranger Things)

By Will Byers

Earlier this week, mysterious fluids were found in the Lake Macatawa shores. This discovery left residents of Holland disturbed on early Monday morning, as one witness took her daily walk through downtown and into Kollen Park. After noticing this strange substance near the lake, she reached down to grab a small sample when it resulted in second degree burns and left stains across her hand.

Appearances of such mysterious fluids were described as red, green and yellow slime-like matter that covered the piers and rocks of the shore.

Holland Hospital recommends that residents avoid the shores as much as possible to prevent further injuries, and local researchers were on their way to investigate this occurrence.

While the cause of this substance is unknown, officials suspect that Hope College scientists may have played a role. More specifically, the A. Paul Schaap Science Center has been known to drain wastes into the lake. Rumors spreading across town claimed that the chemistry professors have been known to test organic chemicals that alter the physical components of various liquids. Several senior students were also predicted to be involved in this incident since many chemistry professors rely on their teaching assistants to maintain and supervise over the labs.

One specific student, Robert Jensen, who is currently a senior student lab assistant for organic chemistry and also a teaching assistant for analytical chemistry, confronted the police on Monday afternoon to provide additional details about the potential cause. Jensen told the police that he was working on his research over the weekend to assist in Dr. Gilmore’s organic compound thesis. “I really hated how Dr. Gilmore organized his materials and experimental plan, so I just rearranged the procedural steps to fast-forward the results,” as Jensen explained to Grand Rapids Press. Jensen continued, stating, “I seriously didn’t alter anything, this was Dr. Gilmore’s plan all along.” After reporters noticed this student’s blame-shifting, Hope College Campus Safety announced that class would be canceled for the rest of the day.

This developed suspicions upon the chemistry faculty as the head of Campus Safety went to the chemistry department to unveil additional information. Officials needed to discover the professor’s motives in introducing a harmful experiment to the community. “I’m using my project plan for a greater good,” explained Dr. Gilmore to reporters, as he was questioned in the middle of the atrium.

“This chemical process will reinvent the way we use renewable resources. I’m one more step closer towards replacing fossil fuels.”

Jason Gilmore’s full testimony is explained at www.lakemacatawachemicalawareness.com, but from this brief explanation, Holland Police Department decided not to charge Gilmore of any counts. This is because of Holland’s tendencies to support scientists working to improve the future.

However, because of this hopeful project gone wrong, the city of Holland is currently polluted with this mysterious chemical substance in the lake. How will these liquids harm the wildlife in the lake?

Additionally, what will happen if these substances reach Lake Michigan? Lake Macatawa is known to quickly drain into Lake Michigan, especially during the end of autumn seasons when heavy rainfall persists.

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*