Gossip Squirrel dishes out fall desserts

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

SPOTTED — Gossip Squirrel caught peeking from the trees. Never know what she might have seen. XOXO. (Wish You Knew)

Hey there Dutchmen, Gossip Squirrel here, giving you the inside on the lives of Hope College’s elite student body. Many of you may have seen my appearance on Yik Yak, but that was just an introduction to all I see going around on campus. Now is my debut in the big leagues, and I’ve got the biggest scoop on student’s do’s and don’t’s of this fall season.
First question is, do you have your fall apparel ready? If the answer is no, are you even a Hope student? A little birdy told me chokers were all the rage this year. Lucky for us, she provided proof. If you ever need to know what’s up fashion wise, just ask WWKJD: What would Kylie Jenner Do? Thanks little birdy for the tip.

It’s choker by night, but by day get out those boots, vests and scarfs. If not to stay warm this chilly season, but also for those Instagram posts we all are dying to see. Post it from a Samsung phone. Everyone says they’re blowing up this year. Dress up your usual fall outfit with a blue and orange scarf or just a giant foam finger and cheer on the football team. Nothing like hot cocoa and sweaty men in tight pants to solidify this fall season.

Though I can’t be in the big apple this fall, apple picking is pretty close. A perfect place to bring the apple of your eye or just a first date. With the October rule no longer in effect, it’s time to ask out that girl you’ve been eyeing in Phelps. Start with a pumpkin spice latte and make your way through the orchard. Maybe even a hay ride or two will spruce up the evening.

Speaking of pumpkin spice, SPOTTED: Pumpkin spice everything is around and hot with Hope students this season. Make your way to JP’s or LemonJello’s and get them to set you up with a pumpkin spice ANYTHING soon. Tell them Gossip Squirrel sent you. It is the perfect accessory with the semester books and boots.

What to do on those study breaks? I’ve been peeking at Hope’s cottage porches, and it’s official. Pumpkin carving is a must this season. Pick out your own Jack-o-lantern at a pumpkin patch, bigger the better. Maybe while you’re away, you can try some cider donuts. It’s fun to leave the nest of Good Time once in a while. Oh, and by the way, don’t be that trick of the season who smashes pumpkins. Remember, Gossip Squirrel has eyes everywhere.

What’s a better way to give yourself a fun thrill than a good scare? I bet you thought nothing was scarier than midterms, but think again. Haunted houses will make you want to pee your pants, or worse. One of my many sources says don’t hit up Taco Bell before going in. Gossip is, the houses keep a tally.

And if the weather is just too cold for you, there’s nothing like Netflixing some Halloween movies this fall. Don’t be worried if you’re in a Netflix binge, I know you are. Admit it, none of us are doing our homework anyway. Put on some warm socks and cuddle up with some dorm-mates. Swap out that popcorn for candy-corn. Nothing like Tim Burton to put you in the mood this Halloween season. I heard Hocus-Pocus is on Netflix too. It’ll put a spell on you.

Speaking of Halloween. What will you be this spooky holiday? Better think fast; the clock is ticking. Perhaps show off how tuned you are into the presidential election. Go as Trump or Hillary. I can think of nothing scarier. What will I be? That’s a secret I’ll never tell.
Who am I? Well. that’s one nut you’ll never crack. XOXO. Gossip squirrel.