Doldrum Dampf campaigns for Calvin wall

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

NO MORE FAKE NEWS — “The media would have you believe there won’t be a wall, when
construction is, in fact, on its way to being completed. Sad!” (Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen)

By: Blare Ace Ranenham

Transcript from Student Council President-Elect:

What have I been saying from the beginning? I said we were going to build a wall to protect our students, our faculty- we have an amazing faculty, by the way, purely amazing! Our wall- and people say I always leave out the staff, but I love the staff, they’re doing an amazing job, a HUGE part of our community- our wall is going to be the best wall, certainly better than any of Calvin’s walls. Crooked Calvin would like you to believe that we won’t build the wall, but we’re building the wall, and Calvin’s going to pay for it!

I’ve just returned from a very special meeting with the president of Calvin, a great guy and a man I respect very much, a man who truly loves his college, Calvin – and, by the way, just like I am a man who loves my college, Hope. We agreed on a great many things, like the illegal flow of students across our borders. We discussed the great contribution of Calvin students to both our colleges, my love for the people of Calvin and the leadership and friendship between Hope and Calvin.

The wall is going to be huge and will make Hope great again, despite what the haters and losers claim. They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to pay for it. They’re great people and great leaders, but they’re going to pay for the wall. On day one, we will begin working on our intangible, physical, tall, power, beautiful Hope-Calvin border wall.

How will we build this wall? With dedication, with our access to the best technologies, including above and below ground sensors. Remember that, above and below. Towers, aerial surveillance and manpower to support the wall, find and dislocate tunnels and keep out criminal Calvinites, and Calvin will work with us. I absolutely believe it. And especially after meeting with their fantastic president today. I really believe they want to solve this problem along with us.

According to federal data, there are at least two million, two million, think of it, criminal Calvin students now inside of our college, two million students criminal Calvinites. We will begin moving them out day one. Now, just so you understand, campus safety, who we all respect – say hello to campus safety! Boy, they don’t get the credit they deserve. I can tell you.

They’re great people. But campus safety, they know who these students are. They live with these students. They get mocked by these students. They can’t do anything about these students, and they want to. They know who these students are. While this wall will inspire great security in our college, we remain open to attack until this new wall is completed. Our great anchor, the pride and joy of our great college, has been the source of much insult and degradations from outside forces. We have placed an electric fence around the anchor, we are going to defend our college!

Together we can save Hope lives, Hope jobs and Hope futures. Together we can save Hope itself. I am sure of it. Join me in this mission to make Hope great again.