What started out as a harmless trend has blown into what can only be described as a rapture at Hope College. Who’s to blame? Bueller? Bueller?
One cannot watch “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” without being charmed by Matthew Broderick’s acting and astounded by this ultimate cinematic masterpiece, blowing Spielberg out of the water with its accuracy towards the teenage experience. Hope students are no exception to the vast audience that has flocked to the big screens to take a wild ride with Ferris, Cameron and Sloane.
As a result, Hope’s parking lots are filled to the brim with discreet red convertibles vying for all the good spots. Every dorm room is ornamented with a chunky black keyboard that makes incredibly authentic coughing noises that convince every passerby of one’s paralyzing ailment. Every SAC movie is “Ferris Bueller,” without fail. Who needs instant online streaming of very limited shows and movies when you can pay to see a Golden Globe-deserving movie on VHS?
Over Halloween weekend, one only needed to drive down Columbia Avenue to witness hordes of students dressed in Red Wings jerseys and leather jackets, with hair parted to the side alongside pristinely placed bangs. Throngs of common hipsters became officially indistinguishable.
But that was only the beginning. As of today, the Hope population has cut in half, with more disappearing daily. The coffee-obsessed, plaid-wearing students are dropping faster than you can say “Lemonjello’s”, claiming they are pulling a “Bueller.” The only difference is they aren’t planning on coming back.
“After our less-than- satisfactory midterms, we had no choice but to leave,” one anonymous student said. “Plus, if we all go, no one can fail their classes. Who fails an entire student body?”
The question remains: where exactly are the students headed now?
You can find them in big cities nationwide, especially New York City. After all, where else would students go in the middle of the winter, but to the Big Apple to crash the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Plus, they are fully prepared, even without a college education—they can reenact “Ferris Bueller”!
Once the parade finished, nothing but a large question mark sat in store for the population formerly known as Hope students. Despite the lack of a complete collegiate degree, no one seemed too concerned about their futures. One group of students chirped up, “We have limitless possibilities! #LiberalArts!”
“I think the student body will be perfectly fine, even without finishing college,” Michael Jackson (’84) said. “It’s the former staff that needs to be worried… How are they supposed to keep a job without students?”
A couple professors were approached to give opinions on this school year with the quickly- decreasing student body. “The students are crazy and life does move pretty fast, like their trends,” Professor Rooney said with a laugh. “In fact, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might just miss it. Excuse me, I have to go teach my next class.”
Our interviewer proceeded to watch him walk into an empty classroom.
*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*