One Direction puts millions in pain

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

HAPPY SOLOISTS — Even though the band is no longer, they are all mutually content with the decision, even though their fandom is going up in flames. (J-14)

A harsh reality is settling into the lives of millions of girls around the world, from babies just out of the womb that suck on One Direction pacifiers, to forty year old women with Harry Styles toilet seat covers: One Direction is now five directions. Each boy has begun to pursue his own music career, which means boy bands are officially dead.

In response to this tragedy, a mass funeral took place in Los Angeles this past weekend. Women crowded around a 20-foot tall gravestone with ‘One Direction: a band that gave unrealistic expectations of men to millions’ engraved on it. Items such as cd albums, skinny jeans and luscious locks of hair were placed at the foot of the spectacle in memory of the recently deceased band. Not a single eye was dry.

There were many different reactions when women first heard the heartbreaking news. Some girls were just plain confused by the announcement, like Sally Smith. On Twitter, you can find her page @prepubescentgirl, where she said, “People are saying One Direction is going in five directions… but Harry Styles is still singing. I’m confused… what are the other four directions?”

Others were infuriated. An anonymous source mailed a letter to Modest Management, the band’s record label, fueled by rage. “Why did you lie to everyone? We thought One Direction would be a band until they were 105. They have had an incredibly successful, five-year career, almost three times as long as any other boy band! Why should they stop now?”

Styles, Zayn Malik, the blonde and the two guys nobody can differentiate between did have a wonderful career. Every year they produced a new album with unique and eye-opening tracks that taught the world what a romantic relationship is and how they can ruin your life.

The band toured nonstop for two years and had to be submitted to the hospital from incessant ear-ringing, phantom fan girls and a lack of sleep since before their career began. Girls would often be found chasing their vehicles, waiting outside their houses and sleeping with their cardboard cutouts. But the real problem, which became the last straw for Malik, was when he got a hangnail.

“That’s when I said enough. I told the boys it was time for me to leave,” Malik told an inside source. “Ever since then, I’ve been singing solo. No hangnails have ruined my photo-shopped skin since then.”

It has been months since all band members were last seen together. One Direction’s final concert was on Nov. 10, 2015, when the show wrapped up with an encore of “We Dated, but I Never Actually Liked You.” They bowed to no applause, because the fans were already watching their recorded videos of the concert on their phones.

When confronted about the news yesterday, Styles’ eyebrows furrowed together. “What are you talking about? We’re still a band. Right now we’re just on a hiatus that will last until 3024. Then we’ll be back; don’t worry.”

Be sure to tune in January 1, 3024 to hear the newest update on One Direction.