Nykerk wins national talent show

NYKERK ON A NATIONAL STAGE — Hope College’s Nykerk impressed Simon Cowell so
much that rumors say he is thinking of attending this fall’s competition. (Hope College Public Affairs & Marketing)

By: Oprah

“America’s Got Talent” has finally discovered real talent: the beautiful ladies in Hope College’s Nykerk Cup competition! All six acts traveled to audition in Detroit last spring and after a long journey, the competition has finished airing and Nykerk was established as the 2027 winners of the national television show.

The NBC show has been running for 21 years and yet the judges agreed that they had never seen something “so long winded and Amish-looking” before. Even though most of the jokes about Hope went over 99 percent of the country’s heads, they were intrigued by the amount of people involved and how competitive both grades became.

“My favorite part was the Song Girls with their random props they pulled out of their sweaters,” Heidi Klum said. “I might try that sometime… Walk down the street and whip out makeup products I think strangers need. People should really start doing that with everything; it would make life more exciting!”

In fact, people like Howie Mandel, one of the show’s other judges, have begun walking around like the Nykerk Play Girls, gesturing wildly to every one they know. “I’m so happy Nykerk won,” Mandel said, knocking the microphone out of the interviewer’s hand while flailing his arms. “Life is way more fun when you act like a Play Girl. Fewer fights are picked between celebrities this way, too!”

Acting like a Play Girl seems to be a new fad in Hollywood now. Actors like Anne Hathaway and Jack Black swear by it, using the gestures as a warm up for every production they partake in. More actors are even making their way to Holland to seek advice on acting, like Jennifer Lawrence, who was seen talking to President Knapp in the Kletz last week.

But clearly everything else about Nykerk paled in comparison to oration, because Simon Cowell said so. “All I need is a straightforward message about life that speaks to my heart,” Cowell said shortly after the competition. “For so long I’ve been trying to fill the void in my heart with screechy singers and violent magicians, but Nykerk oration makes me feel whole. It’s a definite ‘yes’ from me; I can’t believe I ever said ‘yes’ to any thing else.”

Cowell has even been spot ted by paparazzi traveling back to the homes of past winners of “America’s Got Talent” to announce that it should have actually been a ‘no’ from him. When asked for his reasoning, he was heard saying “…have you seen Nykerk?”

But average citizens are also being heavily impacted by the Hope group, and the nation is being split in two. Married couples who are odd and even year are splitting up and using their graduation year as the basis for all of their past fights. Odd Year versus Even Year: it seems to be the new segregation of the twenty-first century.

Back at Hope, students and faculty alike are incredibly proud of our country. Although new feuds and odd quirks are popping up all over the nation because of Nykerk, the small college name is being heard. If Simon Cowell approves, nothing else matters.

Congratulatory letters are flooding into campus. It seems Odd and Even Year can both win in the eyes of “America’s Got Talent.”