The Macatawa Pickle Crisis and a solution involving sipping

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!

Since its conception, Hope College has lived near the beautiful, clean, crystalline waters of Lake Macatawa. Known for its beautiful hues of blue and green, the lake is a frequent stop for college students in need of a clarifying swim at all times of the year! Yes, Lake Macatawa is also home to one of the only natural hot springs in West Michigan (the other, of course, being the hot tubs in the Dow Fitness Center). 

Hope Alumni have mentioned their swims in Lake Macatawa in countless interviews: For Jimmy Falon, Bhad Bhabie stated, “After a long, hard day, I loved to relax by jumping into Lake Macatawa!” For Good Morning America, Patrick Maholmes declared, “Swimming in the clean waters of Lake Macatawa was the only way I got through football tryouts!” And finally, if you listen closely to her newest lyrics, Taylor Swift sings, “Oh Lake Macatawa, spending my midnights with you reminds me of how it felt to be feeling 22!” 

However, these beautiful waters that inspired poetry from many have encountered a problem. In a recent study conducted by the squirrels of Hope, they determined that Lake Macatawa’s emerald hues have come from…pickles! That’s right, slowly but surely, over the course of the past 25 years, the Heinz Pickle factory has been growing their pickles in the very water that students swim in! Head of Pickle Production, Dil Pickle (former star of Nickelodeon’s Rugrats) released a statement following mass hysteria: “The warm, pure waters of Lake Macatawa were the perfect environment for our pickles to thrive in! We couldn’t pass up the opportunity.”

Rumors have spread that Phelps Dining Hall signed off on Heinz’s use of the lake in exchange for free pickles, but they have refused to answer any questions on the subject.

Students of Hope College, unable to find a different de-stressing tactic, haven’t stopped their swimming, however. If you take a stroll along Hope’s campus, you may notice a few individuals who look slightly tinted green. As this phenomenon has only recently begun, there is no medical research on the long-lasting effects of pickling live human flesh.

Though the lake remains at least 35% water, students and community members are advised to refrain from their swimming habits until their safety can be ensured. As a compromise, the city has collaborated with the Heinz factory to set up stations around the lake where you can collect a sanitized cup. Dip it into the lake to collect your very own refillable, warm pickle juice cider! A first of its kind, Heinz hopes that this product will grow in popularity and will satiate the pickled desires of those impacted by the Macatawa Pickle crisis.

President Matthew Scogin spoke in Chapel on Monday. “Though I, too, dearly miss my ‘Pickle Dips, ’ I hope that we all can band together to enjoy a ‘Pickle Drink’ in the meantime.” He closed by toasting the student body with his own Pickle Cup.