The internship wars tearing Hope College apart: A Case Study

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!

“Whether you’re just beginning your undergraduate experience or about to head off for new adventures, the Boerigter Center for Calling and Career supports you in the next steps of your career development journey.” Is a quote direct from the Boerigter Center’s page on the Hope College website. The center serves as a way to provide students with ample opportunities to receive internships, jobs, and apply to opportunities in general. Its a great system, real grade A if you ask me. However after a new shift in their programming—the center now relies on the usage of online application systems such as Handshake and LinkedIn. Students are able to see their recommended jobs and apply virtually, making working in the Boerigter so much easier for everyone. However, this shift soon led the uprising of many internal conflicts and civil wars. Friends turning on friends, brother turning on sister, wars of absolute madness. Its become evident of a glitch. Almost every student has been receiving the same job opportunities and a battle of who should apply, who should interview and who should accept the job has been tearing groups apart.

The Anchor has been following a specific case which revolves around two students who unbeknownst to one another, received the same Handshake notification: “We think you’d be a great fit for our Summer Marketing Internship at Tulip Valley Juices!” At first, it was a joke. A laugh. A casual, “Oh, maybe I should apply and see what happens!” But within hours, tensions were brewing when both friends realized they had applied for the same intership. Caleb noticed Ryker spending an unusual amount of time tweaking his resume. Ryker, in turn, caught Caleb watching a YouTube video titled “10 Interview Tricks That’ll Make Employers Cry” at 3 AM.

The first real act of aggression occurred when Caleb, sensing a tactical advantage, “accidentally” deleted Ryker’s cover letter draft from their shared Google Drive. Ryker retaliated swiftly by switching Caleb’s LinkedIn profile headline to “Aspiring Juice Enthusiast”, making him sound both desperate and uninformed.

As the interview rounds approached, both men went fully off the rails. Caleb booked Ryker’s haircut appointment for the wrong day, ensuring he’d show up to the interview looking like a deranged mountain man. Ryker, on the other hand, started spreading a rumor that Caleb was “anti-citrus” after catching him drinking a grape Powerade instead of orange juice.

Then came The Final Betrayal—the night before the interview, Caleb stole Ryker’s one good blazer and hid it in the freezer. Ryker, thinking quickly, constructed a makeshift suit jacket out of duct tape and printer paper, giving himself the appearance of an avant-garde business student who had lost everything in the stock market.

By the time they arrived at Tulip Valley Juices, neither was in a fit state to impress. The hiring manager took one look at them—Caleb wearing an ill-fitting T-shirt that read “Respect the Pulp,” Ryker crinkling audibly with every movement—and promptly offered the position to a third applicant who had simply applied without causing mass chaos.

The aftermath of the “Juice Feud” was catastrophic. Caleb and Ryker, once inseparable, have since enacted a strict citrus-based ceasefire agreement, only speaking when absolutely necessary. Some say the Boerigter Center created a monster with its algorithmic job recommendations. Others say it merely revealed what was always lurking beneath: the primal, unrelenting desire for a summer internship, no matter the cost.