Skyrocketing Rates of Male Balding Plague Campus

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!

WARNING! Outbreak on the loose! Male students at Hope College have been going bald at alarmingly rapid rates. Sources have no proven reason as to why but there has been some suspicious activity from Durfee. 

When questioned, the people of Durfee were suspiciously quiet and vague in their answers. An undercover spy has revealed the Durfee challenge has all been a cover up for some larger scheme, but they don’t know what.

The first clue is that the basement of Durfee has cages upon cages full of squirrels. They all have little name tags ranging from Experiment #1 through #72. The only exception to the experiment name is one called Nutter Butter who seems to be the leader of the squirrels. His fur is notably longer than many of the other squirrels. Our sources hypothesize some sort of human-squirrel hair transplant. Why? We just don’t know.

As Halloween quickly approaches, our source says many of the Durfee guys have been growing beards for their costumes. Popular costumes ranging from Wolverine to hippies. Others have been seen making bigfoot costumes. More than a few people are going in duo costumes are Hagrid and Dumbledore from the Harry Potter franchise. But where are they getting the hair from? Is it the squirrels? Why can they not grow a beard themselves?

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS!

Our inside source has just been invited in to the ultimate group costume Durfee has been planning all along. The hairy costumes were actually to throw everyone off track, so they couldn’t copy their costumes! Durfee hall has all decided to dress up like President Scogin this Halloween. They needed to shave their heads to see if the costume would work and the beards were a cover up! So now the real question is how far will President Scogin’s fashion influence go on Durfee Hall. Stay tuned to find out!

Wait! But why are they collecting squirrels?

(Featured image source: Wikimedia Commons)