On-Campus vaccine distribution: How will you be let down now?

Last week Hope College announced an exciting development in the college’s ongoing COVID-19 mitigation strategy. A national pharmacy provider has offered to establish a vaccination clinic on Hope’s campus. While many of the details are still unknown, administration just announced guidelines outlining which students will receive the vaccine and in what order they will be given. 

Administration has promised to utilize a strategy that is fair, accessible and logical. So naturally the policy will be primarily driven by students’ GPAs. This decision is highly impactful, most notably for making latin graduation titles and dean’s list designation has some inkling of importance. The first wave of eligibility will be most students with a 3.9+ GPA. However, certain majors will not be included in this wave. Additionally, 4.0 students will be able to select which vaccine brand they like best. They will also receive larger ‘I Got Vaccinated!’ stickers than other recipients. 

STEM majors will be the lowest priority in terms of vaccine distribution. While they do have the highest likelihood of healthcare involvement, this designation was purely made to establish liberal arts supremacy. The administration’s spokesperson addressed the decision:

“Listen, this is a liberal arts college. Frankly we want to vaccinate majors that are important and employable. Science, engineering, and math majors have plenty of soft skills. But they just do not meet the threshold. This is also an opportunity for some ego destruction. STEM majors have a god complex these days, even at a Christian school!”

This statement received some mixed reactions within the campus community. The news was met with a long-winded golf clap from faculty in Lubbers Hall. Many STEM majors responded with discontent while simultaneously citing their MCAT scores, to which most people responded saying that they did not know what the MCAT even was.

In order to avoid any discrimiantion claims or lawsuits from STEM related groups, (assuming that they can write more than a paragraph), administration also deprioritized declared triple majors. A recent study found that 99.9% of triple majors were merely composed of general education requirements with slight variations within each field. Administration also cited an overall feeling of annoyance and arrogance from triple majors in general.

Another problem the school faces is vaccine hesitancy. Many students are worried about possible negative health consequences from the COVID vaccine. Mixing the vaccine with three hours of sleep, a four loko, and a Juul found in the basement of Kollen Hall is a “valid concern,” states the college’s campus health department. To combat this hesitancy administrators plan to offer incentives to students. Several incentive proposals are in development, including a $5 Patagonia gift card, one dining hall meal a week that does not shorten life expectancy, tasers for self-defense against the sentient squirrels or a chapstick with Hope’s logo on it.

Vaccine administration at Hope is expected to occur some time in April. The question that all students are wondering is will it coincide with a break day? Many predict this move would both help maintain accreditation by counting vaccination as instructional time as well as preventing students from having an actual break. A win-win for administration! However, this problem is nothing that the Student Activities Committee (SAC) cannot solve with some quick branding and a fun infographic. Insider sources say the SAC is planning to give out free stale pepperoni pinwheels outside of DeVos Fieldhouse after students receive their vaccine. Yes, there will only be 60 individual pinwheels for all 3,200 students. No, there will be no proper sanitation practices followed.

Students are looking ahead to a possible fully-vaccinated campus. This could potentially mean no mask or gathering restrictions. Many students have reached out to Concert Series for a possible concert to close out the end of the semester in May. Many students have proposed local artists or slightly lower caliber artists who are well known but accessible. Concert Series announced in a formal statement that they could acquire the following artists: The Ghost of Christmas Past, Wendy Williams’ personal assistant or a student parking pass price increase of 30%. Once again students displayed their discontent. Concert Series responded with an Instagram story post reading “spread kindness,” which was shared by Student Congress, CAPS and Opus. 

Vaccine distribution controversy and a collapse of trust in student power structures has led to a toxic environment on campus. The fallout is evident. Dutch the Mascot has filed for unemployment, the chapel has temporarily been converted into a used bookstore and tour guides have resorted to bribing potential students. During these troubling times, don’t forget to get vaccinated, or else your tuition dollars will have meant nothing at all.