RANCHOR: Nightmare on 13th Street: Denny’s-hating cult drives diner out of town

Most college students are of the age that Denny’s, a popular restaurant chain, is to them both the post-church haunt from the days of their early childhood as well as the company behind one of Twitter’s most popular accounts, with 512.9 thousand followers and such memorable tweets as:

“Me eating pancakes:

– happy

– uses too much syrup

– orders more than I can eat

Pancakes eating me:

– ARGHGHHH

– AAAAGGGG

– AAGGGGGGHHHH”

(@DennysDiner, October 21, 2019)

Breakfast food aficionados in Holland, however, will now have a hard time quenching their desire for intensely buttered pancakes and shrivelled slices of bacon—the Denny’s located at 631 E. 24th St. has permanently closed. On Friday, the 25th of October, the diner was laid to rest by inconsolable mourners who wrapped the building in swaths of black fabric as their tears flowed freely. One of the more moving speeches made that day quoted from Isaiah 57:1-2, which reads, “…The devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil,” perhaps insinuating that even though Denny’s in Holland is no more, it is supposedly in a better place. Despite this honorable sentiment, the staff here at the Ranchor offers the sincerest condolences available to those who frequented the establishment. 

There is immense speculation as to the reason Denny’s closed its doors, and foul play has not yet been ruled out. Initial findings indicated that there was indeed a culprit responsible for the demise of the dearly beloved diner. Those familiar with Hope’s ministry houses know that Van Zyl and Hawkinson cottages, better known as Waffle House and Pancake House, respectively, host free events throughout the year in order to provide a space for students to be in fellowship and make friends while under the influence of syrupy breakfast foods. The houses recently hosted what is typically their biggest party of the year, “Spooky Night,” which is aimed toward those who might be so inclined to celebrate Halloween. 

Ranchor reporters became suspicious of the timing and began to wonder if it was truly a coincidence that this event was slated to occur just one day after the local closure of one of America’s most ubiquitous breakfast chains. An undercover member of the Ranchor staff infiltrated the event in order to provide an eyewitness account. This anonymous individual risked life and limb to bring us the following words:

“When I got to the door, a masked man asked me cordially, ‘Pancakes or waffles?’ Having a source on the inside, I saw past his guise, so I leaned in close, whispering, ‘Down with Denny’s.’ He gave me a sly smile before opening the door and telling me that the real fun was going down in the basement. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I was shocked to find a circle of students, each holding either a pancake or waffle, booing and hissing as they hurled their breakfast breads at a burning effigy of the Denny’s sign. The sight was so horrific that I could only stand silently by as a nauseous feeling overcame me and bile began to rise in my throat. 

Some guy from my bio lecture approached me and asked, ‘Hey, [NAME REDACTED], is that you?’ I nodded before he continued, ‘Sick mouse costume! I had no idea that you were one of us.’ Smiling weakly at him, I managed to say, ‘Uh-huh.’ He asked me if I wanted a pancake to throw, and had thrust one into my hands before I could even respond. In that moment, the room grew silent as I stepped forward, still dizzy from shock, and weakly hefted the pancake toward the roaring blaze. It was so pathetic that the once-hushed crowd began crying out saying things like, ‘You are not a true believer!’ and, ‘Remove this heretic from our midst!’ All I could do was run, hoping that they wouldn’t catch up to me and force-feed me their ritual meal in an attempt to cleanse my spirit. I broke down sobbing when I got back to my dorm, in disbelief that my very own classmates had killed Denny’s with their pancakes, their waffles and their hatred.”

The bravery of this intrepid individual will not be forgotten as the Ranchor staff continues to investigate these disturbing claims. Students are warned to steer clear of campus residences further east than the Dow Center unless they are willing to pledge their lives in service to what can only be the rogue Hope College chapter of activist organization DDL—Denny’s Destroys Lives. Although the group is believed to have gone underground after the incident last Saturday, you are encouraged to report any suspicious breakfast activities to the Ranchor’s tip line.