A stinky investigation: Why does campus smell like that?

PARODY ADVISORY *Please note that this article is part of the Ranchor (the Anchor’s satirical edition)!

If you have recently walked through campus and wondered: why does it smell like that? Then you are not alone. Perhaps it is a change in the wind, or maybe the squirrels are finally initiating their chemical warfare plan on the students, but regardless, there has definitely been a smell around. On behalf of The Anchor, I decided to attempt to discover the origin of this smell. Using my astute detective skills and my history of smelling things, I felt I would be qualified for the job.

After much deliberation and planning, I sought out Campus Safety and asked the extremely well-thought-out question: why does campus smell like that? The officer, who has elected to remain anonymous, said that they “did not know” and “Why are you in my car” and I have ruled them out as a resource. I next interviewed several of the students who had reported that smell. I spoke to Michelle Hope student, who said: “I was walking back from the Kletz last week, and I was already in a bad mood because I had to order a quesadilla instead of a personal pizza when suddenly I smelled something.” This is surely intriguing evidence. Alex Nose, who considers smelling things a true passion of his, shared that “there was definitely a smell sometimes.” Neither Nose nor Hope student was able to identify the location the smell came from, which is notable, considering Nose knows noses quite well.

During this past weekend, I was privileged to speak to several alumni who had visited for homecoming. They seemed to have been in a hurry to get to the football game but I did manage to catch up with them after some effort. When asked “Did campus use to smell like that? one shared “Why are you following us?” Another said “You mean the hotdogs?” and a third said something I would rather not quote here but seemed to give little insight on any scent. I was unable to get the names of the alumni, but as we left on good terms I am including the above quotations.

After 30 painstaking minutes of intensive investigation, I have decided to call my results inconclusive, but am still seeking any known information on why campus smells like that. I will still be accepting information going forward, so please reach out with any thoughts or experiences regarding the smell. As I have been asked to no longer approach students, information will have to be directed to The Anchor. Remember, keep your noses open and you might learn why campus smells like that.

(Featured image source: PH / mbpogue)