Knowing truth behind Reagan’s anti-EPA attitude

Can Earth be a synergistic system, allowing organisms to interact with their inorganic surroundings?

LOVELOCK UP TO NEW DISCOVERIES? — Using the innovative Macintosh Computer, highly experienced scientist captured rare footage of an unidentifiable species. (Wall Street Journal)

By Eleven

President Ronald Reagan has fueled his political fan base by seeking to deregulate all bureaucratic institutions. The root of this desire is held in his most celebrated quote: “The most terrifying words in the English language are ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’” The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) seems to be at the top of his simplification list. Coincidentally, the Sustainability Movement began at the time of his election. The ideas may seem contradictory but the invention of the new Macintosh Computer by Apple Computer Company has shown that they are inter- twined in a negative direction.

John Lovelock, a British independent scientist, environmentalist and futurist, created the Gaia Hypothesis in May of 1980. This was the same year that Reagan first mentioned his anti-EPA standings in his first presidential debate against Democratic candidate Jimmy Carter. The hypothesis suggests that Earth is a synergistic and self-regulating system that allows organisms to fully interact with their inorganic surroundings.

Regardless of how far removed the British Lovelock may seem from the domestic concerns of the United States, Carter lists Lovelock as one of his top consultants and advisors, outside of those he has appointed to office. Although they seem to publicly support each other, many struggle to see the link between Lovelock’s Sustainability Movement and Reagan’s policy that almost seems to support environmental degradation.

With the creation of the new Macintosh Computer, video footage of a strange extraterrestrial species has been displayed on a public browser. Fandoms of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot have erupted with excitement, claiming the image is a link to the discoveries more previously thought of as mystical creatures. Although the footage seems as if it should be irrelevant to the POTUS, Reagan has publicly come out warn- ing citizens of the danger of new technologies.

Shortly after this announcement, during a lecture at Oxford University, Lovelock went on a disorganized and rapid tangent of predictions. A student present at the lecture said, “his eyes just went crazy and he started yelling all the figures about the future of the world’s end.” A few days following, Lovelock publicly announced his resignation from science. His final words to the press were, “Enjoy life while you can. Because if you’re lucky, it’s going to be 20 years before it hits the fan.”

Reagan has refused to comment on Lovelock’s downfall, but his visits to the EPA have rapidly increased, according to an inside source. The links are blurry, but there is a subtle hum amongst popular opinion of U.S. citizens trying to link these events together.

The closest guess lies in a report by four 12 year-olds in the midwest, recently published by the Washington Post. The report was published in the satire addition of the paper, but their theory held eerily possible ground.

They suspect that the mysterious species in the footage is not extraterrestrial or of mythological origin, but rather alive in the synergistic Earth that Lovelock hypothesized. Using his reports, they say that the species is organically present but invisible to the human senses in most cases. However, the rest of their report loses credibility, as it talks about young girls with superpowers and a definitive link to the popular video game “Dungeons and Dragons.” They may have tween- age boy antics, but these kids are definitely on the right track!

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*